This is ground control to major Tom.... here... am I sitting in a tin can, far above the world.... planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do...
Despondent. I've crashed from the anti climax of broken resolutions... but my resolve is not all gone... I'm still here... today is the 3rd of January and I am feeling melancholy and hopeful.. the other day Zeke said to me that he likes Hope.. I'm not sure whether he was talking about the baby in that show 'Raising Hope' or Hope in general. I like hope. It's a great motivator.
I'm sitting here in the loungeroom. Zeke is watching a Buzz Lightyear cartoon and Monique is laying on the couch holding her new Dora Snakes and Ladders game. We played it this morning, before we went for a walk to Bunnings. It's bloody hot outside - we bought 2 fans for $10 each. Awesome! Monique cried on the way there cos she didn't want to go there, then she cried on the way home (it was more of a whinge) because her knees were sore.
I cried tears of hysteria this morning - I'm going to be 30 this year. I don't want to grow old. 30 is old. I'm not being melodramatic. I guess I'm a ma'am now. Allan said he could say something to make me feel better. I'm 110 kgs. Arrrgh that made me cry more. I don't want to be 110kgs! how depressing. I wanna go to the Dr and get diet pills, but I'm afraid of the humiliation of being turned down.
A man at work called me ma'am on Friday. I was like... "Ma'am?" as I walked away.. I'm not a ma'am... no way not me. But maybe I am. The funny conclusion to this customer is that he came in and called Talya ma'am as well. When she commented on it, I laughed and commented (a little dryly, I must admit) that there was someone who didn't think she looked 18. Everyone was stressed at work that day - there was no response from Charissa or anyone, I'm pretty sure they heard me.. but I didn't deny a second chance to hear my witty musings.. I repeated it. I hate when there is no reaction. Someone should at least have the decency to laugh.. or agree. Talya goes on at times about how people think she looks 18. Sure they do. She looks 25, I'll give her that - she is about 27 or something. Don't Rockstars die then? ;p
I like Talya, I do... she is as stubborn and talkative as me. But there can only be one me, and I'm the more competitive one.. or maybe not. Bless her, but she needs to be more confident in herself. If you tell her something, like something you've done.. she tells you she has done it too, but she has done it in a more impressive way. Like someone said the other day, if you tell her you went to China, she'll tell you she went there and met the emperor.
The other day we had a bit of a clash - I don't think we can help but clash. I hate it when she shows me how to do something I don't know how to do.. yeah it's called learning and I need to know this stuff... but I know everything. I don't need her to show me. Yeah maturity is one of my fortes... :)
It was all over lunch - stupid petty lunch - Charissa had sent Florence because Talya was busy.. and then when Florence came back, I went cos it was my pre-arranged time (and by the way, I was starving). Talya was like "Oh, so I guess I'm going last today?"
I acted the martyr and snapped "Well Talya might as well go, or she's gonna have a nervous breakdown." Charissa hates it when we clash - she is the peacemaker. She said we could both go. I refused, saying it will get too busy if I'm gone. Talya decided to be stubborn too, and said I can go.. Charissa was like "Don't make me take you both to the lunchroom," smiling. I left. I went.
I thought F@$k yeah, why shouldn't I go? If Talya is going to drive past me on the way home without offering a lift to the station then she can wait an hour to go to lunch. Yeah, It would have to be one of my prouder moments. On the way to Maccas (don't get me started on the problem there) I went over the events in my head and decided I didn't care and that she was a sook etc.
I was all ready for shitty Talya when I came back. Everyone once in a while we get shitty Talya - once we had her for like 3 months straight. She would come to work in a bad mood, and just treat everyone like crap... Stuff like that would annoy the hell out of me. One morning I said hello, and she repsonded with "I want to be left alone." After lunch on Friday though, I'd felt bad for being selfish, and it turned out that Talya was getting both her's and Charissa's lunch.. so then I felt bad cos it affected Charissa.
I don't know why I was pulled into this pettiness.. it was mostly my own impetuous own doing - not being able to let someone else win. I apologised for being selfish afterwards - I gave Talya a hug -sometimes I just have to be humble and lower my self to other's levels :)
And I got a lift to the station that afternoon ;p
I love Charissa though. I wish I knew her 10 years ago - we would have had great fun. I wish I knew all the girls from work 10 years ago. They are all so social with each other, hanging out etc, going to movies, going out, drinking etc. I kind of miss out, kind of don't. Most of the time I don't want to go - but then .. well sometimes I feel lonely. Charissa is awesome - she has a good heart and great sense of humour. She laughs at a lot of my jokes.. like really laughs. I love it.
So I haven't really stuck with any of my resolutions yet. I've had junk... I need to plan meals and not be hungry. I craved chips and ate them at work - I hate the way junk food is so accessible - I need to be stronger.
I still haven't seen Mum since before Christmas. I've been so busy, there is no car to drive to her place and I've drunk most of her Christmas present. She lives far away, which i enjoy - because it means I don't see a lot of her. But when I do want to see her - it's a long way to go. Mum and Dad are just as hopeless as I am when it comes to cars - the gearbox in their's has broken down - but they are unlicensed and unregistered anyway. Like me. I'm not that dodgy - in fact I don't think I'm dodgy at all. Destitution makes you do desperate things.
People at work think I'm dodgy, mainly because of my nonchalance about driving unlicensed I guess. I don't intend to - I just haven't had the chance to renew it, and when I have - I haven't had the money. I am actually annoyed and insulted that people don't trust my sincerity. If I say sorry for something - the response is "No you aren't." WTF? How can you tell me I am not sorry for something? Do I seem like that bad or that selfish a person?
I read once, in a Carlos Castaneda book, that Don Juan, the Yaqui Indian, (is that too many commas yet?) said not to tell people anything about yourself, or your history, because then that is the person you become, and they will perpetuate that personality - you will feel like you have to act that way because that is who you are to them. Life is all about acting - we have so many roles - and a lot of the time, I act like I care. I act like I care about others' lives and their stories and their sadnesses. There is only a few people who actually elude me - where I actually want to know, but they won't tell me. Yes, I am talking about Madame JoJo. I feel the rejection in her secrets.. there are secrets I choose not to keep and there are others I will out of love and a desire to prove people wrong.
But back to reinforced personality (disorders) in my social and work circle - why do I adopt the façade that I have shown these worlds? Who would I be otherwise? I like having a laugh; I am bitchy; but I am sincere too. But I don't care enough to show these people that - its not my issue -but then again it is.
I've downloaded a heap of music today - (Don't fear) the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult and some Roxy Music, Beatles, David Bowie and Led Zeppelin. I even downloaded a Rihanna song. I love Don't fear the Reaper...and I also listened to Psalm by Roxy Music. Music is such nourishment for my soul. I love the way it transforms you - even if it is all in your head.
Ok, Im gonna go - I want to listen to the rest of a corps law lecture. The exam is on the 12th. Its a supplementary exam - because I failed the subject last semester - I did so badly. I really wanted to graduate in June this year - but I'm accepting the fact that I need to push it out to December. As long as I graduate. This is my last year of undergrad uni for ever - if I go back in 10 years time - it will be a masters. :)
I hate failing things. That's not me - even though I did it. I'm really afraid no one will hire me - someone has to. Surely! My grades are soooo average. Ok time to focus.
xx
New Years Resolution # 2 - To lose 20kgs and keep it off
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter
Monday, January 3, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Its still yesterday somewhere
Wow a new year. I'm trying to avoid all the clichés - but out with the old and in with the new - blah blah.
What is it about a new year that makes us want to change ourselves? What is the significance of the change in the date from one year to the next? There must be something celestine about our new year - today is 1/1/11... I wonder what number this year is for me? Remind me to find that out later - its adding your birth date to the year or something.. I would have it in some book somewhere .. surely.
I'm sick of making all those same resolutions every year, but they are still things I want to do but haven't done yet - that is the nature of resolutions I guess. I think the biggest thing with me (apart from my derrière) is motivation. I had motivation for a while - it's definitely the hardest thing to keep going. Its so elusive - you either have it or you don't. But do you need to be motivated to change your life?
By the way, Celestine is a word. To me it is, if only if lives in my memory. When I was a teenager, my mother and I read Celestine Prophecy - I can't remember who wrote it - but at least his book is remembered.. isn't that all you can really hope for? The word became a kind of 'in joke' between us.. if something seemed coincidental but really wasn't, she'd say "well that's Celestine". Sadly, she doesn't remember it now. She suffers from dementia - but she would never admit it. I think she still thinks she's normal, even if a score of 24 in some dementia test was slightly below the normal 28. I didn't need a test to tell me she wasn't normal. I'm still not sure what normal is, but it wasn't her. I don't need to ramble on just yet about my mother - I've got all year to delve into those non-Oedipal issues (i hope that's the right way of saying it - awkward naughty dreams aside - i don't want to sleep with her).. but as an intro I'll just share that she has battled with (and lost) drugs and alcohol for most of her life, and I feel is an empty shell of who she was, and a sadly, no where near the person she could have been. It hurts and there are a myriad of emotions you feel as a child parent... she had a car accident when I was 12 and suffered frontal lobe damage - hence the slight case of dementia. Coupled with blackouts from alcoholism and a very basic and selfish understanding of her relationships with others, she makes quite an enigma. Maybe I'm being hard on her. Someone has to. I just love her.. still.
I don't want to be her - but the core of the problem is I don't want to lose myself like she has.. I'm not an addict or an alcoholic - I'm not quite sure what I am, except that I am not happy. I'm a sad, self-deprecating doofus who shows the word a black toothed smile and tries to climb out of this self-imposed exile of depression. I think its self-imposed because I can't help but feel there is something I should be doing to fix myself. I spoke with a doctor once, he thought my depression was caused by post traumatic stress disorder. Who knows?
My babies are the most important things to me in my life, but I can't help feel like I am abandoning them for a career - that career hasn't started yet - but I'm getting there. I feel like I don't spend enough time with them and when I am home, I'm tired and cranky mummy. Cranky mummy yells alot. Stresses out a lot. Avoids the kids alot.. (or tries to). I don't know where I would be without Allan, he is such an awesome Dad... he is a full time Dad and though sometimes there is a hint of resentment in my mind, I still think its for the best.
When people ask what he does for a living- I just reply, with as much conviction that I can, that he is a full -time dad while I finish uni.. he was working in a factory when I fell pregnant and we decided that if I can finish uni, our humble little family will be better off.. Most people agree, but I feel their judgement. I'm insightful like that. Some may say I read too much in to things (yeah right) but I like to think that I am intuitive. Could I just be psychic? I don't know ;p I'm not one to throw the word around, but if you wanna say that, well yeah sure, I'm psychic (I'm really not.. most of the time).
I should start to tie things up here - the kids are wanting for attention - "Can someone help me put my pants on please?" Zeke, 3, comes over holding up his Ben 10 pants - they fit him when I bought them for him for his birthday. He was still in nappies then, but now he is almost fully toilet trained (yay! anyone toilet training parent will understand this joy). He still sometimes has accidents... Monique is being patient - wishing her parents would get off the computers.. yeah yeah in a minute :) She momentarily dobs Zeke in for touching my 'iPord'. She is my little princess... :) she reminds me of me :)
So before I go - I actually did make some New Years Resolutions this year. I'm still trying to keep it real (yo) - but anything is possible - and although it's more probable that I won't achieve any of these things and I will be just the same this time next year - I want to do these things. I want to be happy. This year, I will find happiness... or at least, feel happier.
1. Do something that will make me feel better about myself at the end of this year.
So once I figure out why I hate myself - I can figure out what I can do to feel better. My weight has been an issue for the whole of my 20s... I've spent more of that time feeling fat than feeling good. So I need to do something about losing weight.
I really think though, that I need to start thinking differently. Stop comparing myself to others, stop thinking constantly about losing weight - its tiring, draining and ruining my happiness.
I've always wanted to give meditating a go. My mind is so jumbled at time with random thoughts, sane obsessions and ridiculous denials and may, just maybe, I can fix things by simplifying my thoughts. Or maybe a frontal lobotomy will do. Mum seems happy. not ;p
I would like to try running, and swimming. I want to run. I want to swim. I want to get a really good sports bra and a pair of shoes. And I don't want to feel self-conscious in a swimsuit.
I guess it still brings me to my next resolution. But if I can get this off the inevitable new years list next year, then I'm sure I will be at least a little bit happier.
2. Lose 20kg's and keep it off.
The (really) funny thing is, is this is actually possible - hilarious I know. So why is it so bloody difficult? I actually lost 10kgs this year, but moved house and freaked out about exams and celebrated birthdays and put it all back on again. I enjoyed losing the weight. Somehow, I lost that motivation in the move. I found the USB stick (lol - which caused the freak out about exams... found it on the floor a month later - benefits of a clean house) but lost the motivation to lose weight. I've been in a funk ever since.
The Biggest Loser Club website was an amazing help doing this - it has forums, and calorie trackers. I think I might join that again. What better way or time of year to start it?? It worked for those 10kgs... now just to stick at it!
I don't need to be told how to lose weight -I KNOW how to do it - but Ijust feel like I can't. It's another ridiculous example of changing the thought patterns... I can do it and I will! I have enough at my fingertips to do this - I have an exercise bike, I have the Wii and various exercise games, I have Zumba on USB (apparently it works). There is a train station nearby - I could use the train instead of driving to work.
I've been wanting a push bike for a while - maybe it's time I got one. I want to get the kids some helmets. Then I can go for a walk and they can ride their bikes like other kids.
3. Clean the house once a day
Now here is something I can do to get moving and feel happier about myself. I'll feel cleaner. More organised. I can't function in all this messy clutter. Our home looks lived in. It looks crowded. Sometimes, it smells. I should clean the bathroom floor at least every second day. Pick up and fold clothes every day. Not just dump things on the dining table. We never dine at that table. The kids don't sleep in their rooms either - I need to change that. That will make the house cleaner.. surely lol.
We all know I'm not going to go crazy and really clean the house every day - but if I make an effort and tidy up everyday, maybe it will feel cleaner. I need a desk to myself - I need my own space somewhere. I should really stop sleeping on the couch and sleep in the bedroom with Allan. We are a couple and couples do sleep in the same room, even the same bed!
4. Have sex with Allan at least once a month.
I really should - but I'm always tired or not really interested - can't be bothered. Seems pointless. This may sound clinical... but I could really fulfil this resolution. :)
5. Get rid of my smaller debts.
I say smaller because my HECS debt will reach about $50 000 this year - and it will take a while to work it off. I have a bunch of little debts that are gaining interest and its time to get rid of them. If I do this year, I will be very happy... still broke, but better off :)
I should really ring CreditCorp and find out how much they are and the interest that is accruing and tried and get on top of it.
Personal loan = approx $7000?
Credit Card = approx $230 ?
Bank = approx $150?
Old mobile = approx $500 ?
I think I should also aim to reduce weekly bill payments - eg. I'm am nearly finished a 3 year term renting this laptop... I will buy it out for $1 but I hope they give me a new one. This one has barely lasted 3 years with our humble little (buggars) family. That will be the end of $45 a fortnight.
Also I want to stop paying for wardrobes I'm 'InRenting'. $20 a week is not much, but surely when tax time comes, I can just buy it out.
That's pretty much it I think. So much can be crammed in the first resolution - I want to spend more quality time with my kids. Not just yell at them for playfighting and whinging like I have for the last hour. I want them to lead active, healthy lives, and I need to lead by example.
Well that it from me... I'll be back at least once a week - to check in and record the happenings of this year - it will be interesting to see what happens - there is so much hope and infinite bemusings :)
What is it about a new year that makes us want to change ourselves? What is the significance of the change in the date from one year to the next? There must be something celestine about our new year - today is 1/1/11... I wonder what number this year is for me? Remind me to find that out later - its adding your birth date to the year or something.. I would have it in some book somewhere .. surely.
I'm sick of making all those same resolutions every year, but they are still things I want to do but haven't done yet - that is the nature of resolutions I guess. I think the biggest thing with me (apart from my derrière) is motivation. I had motivation for a while - it's definitely the hardest thing to keep going. Its so elusive - you either have it or you don't. But do you need to be motivated to change your life?
By the way, Celestine is a word. To me it is, if only if lives in my memory. When I was a teenager, my mother and I read Celestine Prophecy - I can't remember who wrote it - but at least his book is remembered.. isn't that all you can really hope for? The word became a kind of 'in joke' between us.. if something seemed coincidental but really wasn't, she'd say "well that's Celestine". Sadly, she doesn't remember it now. She suffers from dementia - but she would never admit it. I think she still thinks she's normal, even if a score of 24 in some dementia test was slightly below the normal 28. I didn't need a test to tell me she wasn't normal. I'm still not sure what normal is, but it wasn't her. I don't need to ramble on just yet about my mother - I've got all year to delve into those non-Oedipal issues (i hope that's the right way of saying it - awkward naughty dreams aside - i don't want to sleep with her).. but as an intro I'll just share that she has battled with (and lost) drugs and alcohol for most of her life, and I feel is an empty shell of who she was, and a sadly, no where near the person she could have been. It hurts and there are a myriad of emotions you feel as a child parent... she had a car accident when I was 12 and suffered frontal lobe damage - hence the slight case of dementia. Coupled with blackouts from alcoholism and a very basic and selfish understanding of her relationships with others, she makes quite an enigma. Maybe I'm being hard on her. Someone has to. I just love her.. still.
I don't want to be her - but the core of the problem is I don't want to lose myself like she has.. I'm not an addict or an alcoholic - I'm not quite sure what I am, except that I am not happy. I'm a sad, self-deprecating doofus who shows the word a black toothed smile and tries to climb out of this self-imposed exile of depression. I think its self-imposed because I can't help but feel there is something I should be doing to fix myself. I spoke with a doctor once, he thought my depression was caused by post traumatic stress disorder. Who knows?
My babies are the most important things to me in my life, but I can't help feel like I am abandoning them for a career - that career hasn't started yet - but I'm getting there. I feel like I don't spend enough time with them and when I am home, I'm tired and cranky mummy. Cranky mummy yells alot. Stresses out a lot. Avoids the kids alot.. (or tries to). I don't know where I would be without Allan, he is such an awesome Dad... he is a full time Dad and though sometimes there is a hint of resentment in my mind, I still think its for the best.
When people ask what he does for a living- I just reply, with as much conviction that I can, that he is a full -time dad while I finish uni.. he was working in a factory when I fell pregnant and we decided that if I can finish uni, our humble little family will be better off.. Most people agree, but I feel their judgement. I'm insightful like that. Some may say I read too much in to things (yeah right) but I like to think that I am intuitive. Could I just be psychic? I don't know ;p I'm not one to throw the word around, but if you wanna say that, well yeah sure, I'm psychic (I'm really not.. most of the time).
I should start to tie things up here - the kids are wanting for attention - "Can someone help me put my pants on please?" Zeke, 3, comes over holding up his Ben 10 pants - they fit him when I bought them for him for his birthday. He was still in nappies then, but now he is almost fully toilet trained (yay! anyone toilet training parent will understand this joy). He still sometimes has accidents... Monique is being patient - wishing her parents would get off the computers.. yeah yeah in a minute :) She momentarily dobs Zeke in for touching my 'iPord'. She is my little princess... :) she reminds me of me :)
So before I go - I actually did make some New Years Resolutions this year. I'm still trying to keep it real (yo) - but anything is possible - and although it's more probable that I won't achieve any of these things and I will be just the same this time next year - I want to do these things. I want to be happy. This year, I will find happiness... or at least, feel happier.
1. Do something that will make me feel better about myself at the end of this year.
So once I figure out why I hate myself - I can figure out what I can do to feel better. My weight has been an issue for the whole of my 20s... I've spent more of that time feeling fat than feeling good. So I need to do something about losing weight.
I really think though, that I need to start thinking differently. Stop comparing myself to others, stop thinking constantly about losing weight - its tiring, draining and ruining my happiness.
I've always wanted to give meditating a go. My mind is so jumbled at time with random thoughts, sane obsessions and ridiculous denials and may, just maybe, I can fix things by simplifying my thoughts. Or maybe a frontal lobotomy will do. Mum seems happy. not ;p
I would like to try running, and swimming. I want to run. I want to swim. I want to get a really good sports bra and a pair of shoes. And I don't want to feel self-conscious in a swimsuit.
I guess it still brings me to my next resolution. But if I can get this off the inevitable new years list next year, then I'm sure I will be at least a little bit happier.
2. Lose 20kg's and keep it off.
The (really) funny thing is, is this is actually possible - hilarious I know. So why is it so bloody difficult? I actually lost 10kgs this year, but moved house and freaked out about exams and celebrated birthdays and put it all back on again. I enjoyed losing the weight. Somehow, I lost that motivation in the move. I found the USB stick (lol - which caused the freak out about exams... found it on the floor a month later - benefits of a clean house) but lost the motivation to lose weight. I've been in a funk ever since.
The Biggest Loser Club website was an amazing help doing this - it has forums, and calorie trackers. I think I might join that again. What better way or time of year to start it?? It worked for those 10kgs... now just to stick at it!
I don't need to be told how to lose weight -I KNOW how to do it - but Ijust feel like I can't. It's another ridiculous example of changing the thought patterns... I can do it and I will! I have enough at my fingertips to do this - I have an exercise bike, I have the Wii and various exercise games, I have Zumba on USB (apparently it works). There is a train station nearby - I could use the train instead of driving to work.
I've been wanting a push bike for a while - maybe it's time I got one. I want to get the kids some helmets. Then I can go for a walk and they can ride their bikes like other kids.
3. Clean the house once a day
Now here is something I can do to get moving and feel happier about myself. I'll feel cleaner. More organised. I can't function in all this messy clutter. Our home looks lived in. It looks crowded. Sometimes, it smells. I should clean the bathroom floor at least every second day. Pick up and fold clothes every day. Not just dump things on the dining table. We never dine at that table. The kids don't sleep in their rooms either - I need to change that. That will make the house cleaner.. surely lol.
We all know I'm not going to go crazy and really clean the house every day - but if I make an effort and tidy up everyday, maybe it will feel cleaner. I need a desk to myself - I need my own space somewhere. I should really stop sleeping on the couch and sleep in the bedroom with Allan. We are a couple and couples do sleep in the same room, even the same bed!
4. Have sex with Allan at least once a month.
I really should - but I'm always tired or not really interested - can't be bothered. Seems pointless. This may sound clinical... but I could really fulfil this resolution. :)
5. Get rid of my smaller debts.
I say smaller because my HECS debt will reach about $50 000 this year - and it will take a while to work it off. I have a bunch of little debts that are gaining interest and its time to get rid of them. If I do this year, I will be very happy... still broke, but better off :)
I should really ring CreditCorp and find out how much they are and the interest that is accruing and tried and get on top of it.
Personal loan = approx $7000?
Credit Card = approx $230 ?
Bank = approx $150?
Old mobile = approx $500 ?
I think I should also aim to reduce weekly bill payments - eg. I'm am nearly finished a 3 year term renting this laptop... I will buy it out for $1 but I hope they give me a new one. This one has barely lasted 3 years with our humble little (buggars) family. That will be the end of $45 a fortnight.
Also I want to stop paying for wardrobes I'm 'InRenting'. $20 a week is not much, but surely when tax time comes, I can just buy it out.
That's pretty much it I think. So much can be crammed in the first resolution - I want to spend more quality time with my kids. Not just yell at them for playfighting and whinging like I have for the last hour. I want them to lead active, healthy lives, and I need to lead by example.
Well that it from me... I'll be back at least once a week - to check in and record the happenings of this year - it will be interesting to see what happens - there is so much hope and infinite bemusings :)
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