Its still yesterday somewhere

Wow a new year. I'm trying to avoid all the clichés - but out with the old and in with the new - blah blah. 


What is it about a new year that makes us want to change ourselves? What is the significance of the change in the date from one year to the next? There must be something celestine about our new year - today is 1/1/11... I wonder what number this year is for me? Remind me to find that out later - its adding your birth date to the year or something.. I would have it in some book somewhere .. surely. 


I'm sick of making all those same resolutions every year, but they are still things I want to do but haven't done yet - that is the nature of resolutions I guess.  I think the biggest thing with me (apart from my derrière) is motivation. I had motivation for a while - it's definitely the hardest thing to keep going. Its so elusive - you either have it or you don't. But do you need to be motivated to change your life? 


By the way, Celestine is a word. To me it is, if only if lives in my memory. When I was a teenager, my mother and I read Celestine Prophecy - I can't remember who wrote it - but at least his book is remembered.. isn't that all you can really hope for? The word became a kind of 'in joke' between us.. if something seemed coincidental but really wasn't, she'd say "well that's Celestine". Sadly, she doesn't remember it now. She suffers from dementia - but she would never admit it. I think she still thinks she's normal, even if a score of 24 in some dementia test was slightly below the normal 28. I didn't need a test to tell me she wasn't normal. I'm still not sure what normal is, but it wasn't her. I don't need to ramble on just yet about my mother - I've got all year to delve into those non-Oedipal issues (i hope that's the right way of saying it - awkward naughty dreams aside - i don't want to sleep with her).. but as an intro I'll just share that she has battled with (and lost) drugs and alcohol for most of her life, and I feel is an empty shell of who she was, and a sadly, no where near the person she could have been. It hurts and there are a myriad of emotions you feel as a child parent... she had a car accident when I was 12 and suffered frontal lobe damage - hence the slight case of dementia. Coupled with blackouts from alcoholism and a very basic and selfish understanding of her relationships with others, she makes quite an enigma. Maybe I'm being hard on her. Someone has to. I just love her.. still. 


I don't want to be her - but the core of the problem is I don't want to lose myself like she has.. I'm not an addict or an alcoholic - I'm not quite sure what I am, except that I am not happy. I'm a sad, self-deprecating doofus who shows the word a black toothed smile and tries to climb out of this self-imposed exile of depression. I think its self-imposed because I can't help but feel there is something I should be doing to fix myself. I spoke with a doctor once, he thought my depression was caused by post traumatic stress disorder. Who knows? 


My babies are the most important things to me in my life, but I can't help feel like I am abandoning them for a career - that career hasn't started yet - but I'm getting there. I feel like I don't spend enough time with them and when I am home, I'm tired and cranky mummy. Cranky mummy yells alot. Stresses out a lot. Avoids the kids alot.. (or tries to). I don't know where I would be without Allan, he is such an awesome Dad... he is a full time Dad and though sometimes there is a hint of resentment in my mind, I still think its for the best. 


When people ask what he does for a living- I just reply, with as much conviction that I can, that he is a full -time dad while I finish uni.. he was working in a factory when I fell pregnant and we decided that if I can finish uni, our humble little family will be better off.. Most people agree, but I feel their judgement. I'm insightful like that. Some may say I read too much in to things (yeah right) but I like to think that I am intuitive. Could I just be psychic? I don't know ;p I'm not one to throw the word around, but if you wanna say that, well yeah sure, I'm psychic (I'm really not.. most of the time).


I should start to tie things up here - the kids are wanting for attention - "Can someone help me put my pants on please?" Zeke, 3, comes over holding up his Ben 10 pants - they fit him when I bought them for him for his birthday. He was still in nappies then, but now he is almost fully toilet trained (yay! anyone toilet training parent will understand this joy). He still sometimes has accidents... Monique is being patient - wishing her parents would get off the computers.. yeah yeah in a minute :) She momentarily dobs Zeke in for touching my 'iPord'. She is my little princess... :) she reminds me of me :) 


So before I go - I actually did make some New Years Resolutions this year. I'm still trying to keep it real (yo) - but anything is possible - and although it's more probable that I won't achieve any of these things and I will be just the same this time next year - I want to do these things. I want to be happy. This year, I will find happiness... or at least, feel happier. 


1. Do something that will make me feel better about myself at the end of this year. 
    
    So once I figure out why I hate myself - I can figure out what I can do to feel better. My   weight has been an issue for the whole of my 20s... I've spent more of that time feeling fat than feeling good. So I need to do something about losing weight. 
    I really think though, that I need to start thinking differently. Stop comparing myself to others, stop thinking constantly about losing weight - its tiring, draining and ruining my happiness. 
    I've always wanted to give meditating a go. My mind is so jumbled at time with random thoughts, sane obsessions and ridiculous denials and may, just maybe, I can fix things by simplifying my thoughts. Or maybe a frontal lobotomy will do. Mum seems happy. not ;p
    I would like to try running, and swimming. I want to run. I want to swim. I want to get a really good sports bra and a pair of shoes. And I don't want to feel self-conscious in a swimsuit. 


I guess it still brings me to my next resolution. But if I can get this off the inevitable new years list next year, then I'm sure I will be at least a little bit happier. 


2. Lose 20kg's and keep it off.


    The (really) funny thing is, is this is actually possible - hilarious I know. So why is it so bloody difficult? I actually lost 10kgs this year, but moved house and freaked out about exams and celebrated birthdays and put it all back on again. I enjoyed losing the weight. Somehow, I lost that motivation in the move. I found the USB stick (lol - which caused the freak out about exams... found it on the floor a month later - benefits of a clean house) but lost the motivation to lose weight. I've been in a funk ever since. 
    The Biggest Loser Club website was an amazing help doing this - it has forums, and calorie trackers. I think I might join that again. What better way or time of year to start it?? It worked for those 10kgs... now just to stick at it!
     I don't need to be told how to lose weight -I KNOW how to do it - but Ijust feel like I can't. It's another ridiculous example of changing the thought patterns... I can do it and I will! I have enough at my fingertips to do this - I have an exercise bike, I have the Wii and various exercise games, I have Zumba on USB (apparently it works). There is a train station nearby - I could use the train instead of driving to work. 
     I've been wanting a push bike for a while - maybe it's time I got one. I want to get the kids some helmets. Then I can go for a walk and they can ride their bikes like other kids. 


3. Clean the house once a day


Now here is something I can do to get moving and feel happier about myself. I'll feel cleaner. More organised. I can't function in all this messy clutter. Our home looks lived in. It looks crowded. Sometimes, it smells. I should clean the bathroom floor at least every second day. Pick up and fold clothes every day. Not just dump things on the dining table. We never dine at that table. The kids don't sleep in their rooms either - I need to change that. That will make the house cleaner.. surely lol. 


We all know I'm not going to go crazy and really clean the house every day - but if I make an effort and tidy up everyday, maybe it will feel cleaner. I need a desk to myself - I need my own space somewhere. I should really stop sleeping on the couch and sleep in the bedroom with Allan. We are a couple and couples do sleep in the same room, even the same bed!


4. Have sex with Allan at least once a month. 


I really should - but I'm always tired or not really interested - can't be bothered. Seems pointless. This may sound clinical... but I could really fulfil this resolution. :)


5. Get rid of my smaller debts. 


I say smaller because my HECS debt will reach about $50 000 this year - and it will take a while to work it off. I have a bunch of little debts that are gaining interest and its time to get rid of them. If I do this year, I will be very happy... still broke, but better off :)


I should really ring CreditCorp and find out how much they are and the interest that is accruing and tried and get on top of it. 


                                    Personal loan = approx $7000? 
                                    Credit Card = approx $230 ?
                                    Bank = approx $150?
                                    Old mobile = approx $500 ?
                                    
I think I should also aim to reduce weekly bill payments - eg. I'm am nearly finished a 3 year term renting this laptop... I will buy it out for $1 but I hope they give me a new one. This one has barely lasted 3 years with our humble little (buggars) family. That will be the end of $45 a fortnight. 
Also I want to stop paying for wardrobes I'm 'InRenting'. $20 a week is not much, but surely when tax time comes, I can just buy it out. 


That's pretty much it I think. So much can be crammed in the first resolution - I want to spend more quality time with my kids. Not just yell at them for playfighting and whinging like I have for the last hour. I want them to lead active, healthy lives, and I need to lead by example.


Well that it from me... I'll be back at least once a week - to check in and record the happenings of this year - it will be interesting to see what happens - there is so much hope and infinite bemusings :)