Time to be my own back up singer

This is ground control to major Tom.... here... am I sitting in a tin can, far above the world.... planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do...


Despondent. I've crashed from the anti climax of broken resolutions... but my resolve is not all gone... I'm still here... today is the 3rd of January and I am feeling melancholy and hopeful.. the other day Zeke said to me that he likes Hope.. I'm not sure whether he was talking about the baby in that show 'Raising Hope' or Hope in general. I like hope. It's a great motivator.


I'm sitting here in the loungeroom. Zeke is watching a Buzz Lightyear cartoon and Monique is laying on the couch holding her new Dora Snakes and Ladders game. We played it this morning, before we went for a walk to Bunnings. It's bloody hot outside - we bought 2 fans for $10 each. Awesome! Monique cried on the way there cos she didn't want to go there, then she cried on the way home (it was more of a whinge) because her knees were sore.


I cried tears of hysteria this morning - I'm going to be 30 this year. I don't want to grow old. 30 is old. I'm not being melodramatic. I guess I'm a ma'am now. Allan said he could say something to make me feel better. I'm 110 kgs. Arrrgh that made me cry more. I don't want to be 110kgs! how depressing. I wanna go to the Dr and get diet pills, but I'm afraid of the humiliation of being turned down.


A man at work called me ma'am on Friday. I was like... "Ma'am?" as I walked away.. I'm not a ma'am... no way not me. But maybe I am. The funny conclusion to this customer is that he came in and called Talya ma'am as well. When she commented on it, I laughed and commented (a little dryly, I must admit) that there was someone who didn't think she looked 18. Everyone was stressed at work that day - there was no response from Charissa or anyone, I'm pretty sure they heard me.. but I didn't deny a second chance to hear my witty musings.. I repeated it. I hate when there is no reaction. Someone should at least have the decency to laugh.. or agree. Talya goes on at times about how people think she looks 18. Sure they do. She looks 25, I'll give her that - she is about 27 or something. Don't Rockstars die then? ;p


I like Talya, I do... she is as stubborn and talkative as me. But there can only be one me, and I'm the more competitive one.. or maybe not. Bless her, but she needs to be more confident in herself. If you tell her something, like something you've done.. she tells you she has done it too, but she has done it in a more impressive way. Like someone said the other day, if you tell her you went to China, she'll tell you she went there and met the emperor.


The other day we had a bit of a clash - I don't think we can help but clash. I hate it when she shows me how to do something I don't know how to do.. yeah it's called learning and I need to know this stuff... but I know everything. I don't need her to show me. Yeah maturity is one of my fortes... :)


It was all over lunch - stupid petty lunch - Charissa had sent Florence because Talya was busy.. and then when Florence came back, I went cos it was my pre-arranged time (and by the way, I was starving). Talya was like "Oh, so I guess I'm going last today?"
I acted the martyr and snapped "Well Talya might as well go, or she's gonna have a nervous breakdown." Charissa hates it when we clash - she is the peacemaker. She said we could both go. I refused, saying it will get too busy if I'm gone. Talya decided to be stubborn too, and said I can go.. Charissa was like "Don't make me take you both to the lunchroom," smiling. I left. I went.


I thought F@$k yeah, why shouldn't I go? If Talya is going to drive past me on the way home without offering a lift to the station then she can wait an hour to go to lunch. Yeah, It would have to be one of my prouder moments. On the way to Maccas (don't get me started on the problem there) I went over the events in my head and decided I didn't care and that she was a sook etc.


I was all ready for shitty Talya when I came back. Everyone once in a while we get shitty Talya - once we had her for like 3 months straight. She would come to work in a bad mood, and just treat everyone like crap... Stuff like that would annoy the hell out of me. One morning I said hello, and she repsonded with "I want to be left alone." After lunch on Friday though, I'd felt bad for being selfish, and it turned out that Talya was getting both her's and Charissa's lunch.. so then I felt bad cos it affected Charissa. 


I don't know why I was pulled into this pettiness.. it was mostly my own impetuous own doing - not being able to let someone else win. I apologised for being selfish afterwards - I gave Talya a hug -sometimes I just have to be humble and lower my self to other's levels :)
And I got a lift to the station that afternoon ;p


I love Charissa though. I wish I knew her 10 years ago - we would have had great fun. I wish I knew all the girls from work 10 years ago. They are all so social with each other, hanging out etc, going to movies, going out, drinking etc. I kind of miss out, kind of don't. Most of the time I don't want to go - but then .. well sometimes I feel lonely. Charissa is awesome - she has a good heart and great sense of humour. She laughs at a lot of my jokes.. like really laughs. I love it. 


So I haven't really stuck with any of my resolutions yet. I've had junk... I need to plan meals and not be hungry. I craved chips and ate them at work - I hate the way junk food is so accessible - I need to be stronger. 


I still haven't seen Mum since before Christmas. I've been so busy, there is no car to drive to her place and I've drunk most of her Christmas present. She lives far away, which i enjoy - because it means I don't see a lot of her. But when I do want to see her - it's a long way to go. Mum and Dad are just as hopeless as I am when it comes to cars - the gearbox in their's has broken down - but they are unlicensed and unregistered anyway. Like me. I'm not that dodgy - in fact I don't think I'm dodgy at all. Destitution makes you do desperate things. 


People at work think I'm dodgy, mainly because of my nonchalance about driving unlicensed I guess. I don't intend to - I just haven't had the chance to renew it, and when I have - I haven't had the money. I am actually annoyed and insulted that people don't trust my sincerity. If I say sorry for something - the response is "No you aren't." WTF? How can you tell me I am not sorry for something? Do I seem like that bad or that selfish a person? 


I read once, in a Carlos Castaneda book, that Don Juan, the Yaqui Indian, (is that too many commas yet?) said not to tell people anything about yourself, or your history, because then that is the person you become, and they will perpetuate that personality - you will feel like you have to act that way because that is who you are to them. Life is all about acting - we have so many roles - and a lot of the time, I act like I care. I act like I care about others' lives and their stories and their sadnesses. There is only a few people who actually elude me - where I actually want to know, but they won't tell me. Yes, I am talking about Madame JoJo. I feel the rejection in her secrets.. there are secrets I choose not to keep and there are others I will out of love and a desire to prove people wrong. 


But back to reinforced personality (disorders) in my social and work circle - why do I adopt the façade that I have shown these worlds? Who would I be otherwise? I like having a laugh; I am bitchy; but I am sincere too. But I don't care enough to show these people that - its not my issue -but then again it is. 


I've downloaded a heap of music today - (Don't fear) the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult and some Roxy Music, Beatles, David Bowie and Led Zeppelin. I even downloaded a Rihanna song. I love Don't fear the Reaper...and I also listened to Psalm by Roxy Music. Music is such nourishment for my soul. I love the way it transforms you - even if it is all in your head. 


Ok, Im gonna go - I want to listen to the rest of a corps law lecture. The exam is on the 12th. Its a supplementary exam - because I failed the subject last semester - I did so badly. I really wanted to graduate in June this year - but I'm accepting the fact that I need to push it out to December. As long as I graduate. This is my last year of undergrad uni for ever - if I go back in 10 years time - it will be a masters. :)


I hate failing things. That's not me - even though I did it. I'm really afraid no one will hire me - someone has to. Surely! My grades are soooo average. Ok time to focus. 


xx