The Night before....

The fun run is tomorrow and the 'don't wannas' have set in.

Do I really want to do this?

Yes I do. I was so psyched about it. And I do want to do it. But I haven't gone for a run for a few weeks, I've been so focused on getting essays in and preparing for exams... October has been a busy month. My last exam is on friday. I am not really ready, but I'm going to give it my best shot - I have to pass to graduate!

It is a take home exam, which means I have 10 hours to download, complete and upload again.. and hand it in at uni. The kids will be at school and kindy. We have an abundance of milk in the fridge (though I would rather it was pepsi max!). Apparently it would take a prepared student 4 hours to do. OMFG. So I will need the whole 10!

I want to start running again. I don't want my body to get lazy ... and I remember how horrid my calves were.. so I wanna make sure they don't get sooky again ;p

And my body feels heavy again. I havent really been watching what I eat... and I havent been exercising. I havent gained weight and I definately havent reached that 20kg mark. I was 800g off. I want to reach that 20kg mark by 7th Nov! Can I focus and do this?

Yes!

I was starting to bow out of the fun run when Christine said something about me definately regretting not doing it. She is right! Gotta get out of that comfort zone. I'm quite used to making a dick of myself in social situations.. so its silly that I'm afraid of embarrassing myself for being unfit at a fun run!

Its tomorrow afternoon. Exam friday. New lease on life on Saturday - aim to lose 2kgs (at last look I was 102kg - again, I dont really want to weigh myself) by next wednesday. It is possible - especially if its just bloating from bread :)

I will :)

An unpleasant reminder

I was talking about this photo today, and it was taken almost a year ago, on the 1/11/11. I was about 120kg, and feeling yuck. I hated my body. I was trying to lose weight, but nothing was working. I was smoking and eating a lot.

Then I signed up for some personal training - My waist was 120cm. Huge! And I knew, if nothing happened, I would just get bigger and bigger.

When I first saw this photo, my first thought was, how can they love me? They do love me, but how?

That's really sad. If I have learnt anything, I have learnt that I was giving up too easily. You have to change everything. And you have to get that heart rate up! Get out of that comfort zone... even (and especially) if you don't want to.

And I have been doing that with the c25k podcasts... I'm 50/50 when it comes to doing them, but I want to do them and I gave myself the goal of doing a fun run - and I don't want to embarass myself.

Also I need to remind myself, I have lost a lot of weight - almost 20kg.. and it doesn't matter if there are '30 to go'.. I've lost 20 so far :)

Happy calves

Hi there :)

Hump week is over, yee haaaaaa. It's that week at Uni, usually towards the end of the semester when everything is due - and this year, it was the second week of the school holidays - and I was stressed and cranky and remorseful and trying and not getting anywhere. I only managed to do one c25k session last week, and I generally ate properly. Well I must have gone ok, because I weighed in today and I've lost a kilo - so I'm back to my pre-holiday weight, and still precariously close to reaching that big 20!

Losing weight is not just about diet and exercise. Maintaining a healthy diet and getting up off that butt and movin' and shakin' it is all in the mind. My mistakes are in my mind. The sadness and anger that leads to comfort eating swirls around in my mind. You have to be committed. You need to conquer your demons. You have to ask yourself: 

"Are you fat cos you ate badly and were so busy you didn't exercise, or are you fat cos you are a sad, sad person and hate yourself?"

I think I'm a bit of both. But I dont hate myself. I love me, I'm fascinated by me :) I'm loving this work in progress... though I do beat myself up about things. I have to ask myself, if it is because of the sad sad thing, what is making me sad and eat till I'm in a food coma?

Meh, this all feels too heavy right now. I'm still recuperating after hump week :) On the plus side, the jog today went fairly well - I've decided to be nice to my body and do the week 2 podcast for 2 weeks as well... it's still an effort to jog and so I don't think I'm taking it too easy on myself.. and I can feel myself getting fitter.

I'm still as slow as a snail but I feel faster :) And my calves are broken in lol .. they don't hurt like they did a month ago. You could say I have happy calves.

Funny that. On the way back from the other end of the street is a farm with cows, and they were all running around this afternoon - there were at least 10 calves running around, and 4 of them were having a blast together, running ahead. So cute. Happy calves.

Easing back into it with an attack of the senses....

Wow it has been 2 weeks since I last posted! Has the novelty worn off already? No.... I'm going to keep on swimming.
Or walk/jog/crawl/limping!

My holiday with Smother went as expected, hopefully that wasn't perpetuated by my attitude, because I tried really hard to be patient and just let her talk... but I guess 6 nights was 2 nights too many :s I did leave things badly, which I now feel guilty about. But I don't think I'm the only one who should say sorry. I am the only one who won't hear it though. Yes I do like my twists bitter!

It really is beautiful there. I wish I explored more than I did, but I acted the Roman instead. I did do a c25k session the second day in... and loved it - breathing in the country air, making myself totally obvious. These photos are the views I had while c25k'ing.


The top photo though is a bit disappointing. I dont feel that big. And bulgy. I was feeling ok that day - though I think I comfort ate BIG TIME the night before. Emotional issues + impulsiveness + no interest in controlling my eating = a binge on a jar of nutella and a packet of chocolate rocky road biscuits.


I went for a walk on one of the other mornings. I felt so free and at peace I didn't want to go back to the caravan park. I would love to live there... but if I did, I would be huge.... and feral. And probably happy. But it would only work if I didn't want to do anything else with my life.. so I'll keep my options open for retiring down there instead ;p

Anyway, home again home again jiggity jig. I went for the first c25k week 2 podcast today - and am happy to say that I can jog for 90secs at a time! It doesn't sound like much now, but when you are waiting for the guy to say 'ok you can now slow down to your brisk pace' it feels like forever. My legs feel fine, my calves hurt a bit at the end, but I've stretched a few times. The endorphins have kicked in.. feelin' groovy :)



And it is 1 month into the 3 month challenge, where I wanted to lose 10kgs .. I am happy to say, that despite my hiatus in the hinterland, I have lost a total of 3 kg this month, currently weighing in at 102.4 kg. 

Getting back into it... gotta start somewhere and remind myuself of my goals :) The Fun Run is in less than a month! I wonder how long I can run at a time by then? 3 minutes??? Imagine that!

My goal this month is to reach that big 20kg loss... and I want to do it by 7 Nov - because that is when I weighed in at 120kgs.... :)