Hurt feelings

One thing I have decided to do is go off my meds for depression and anxiety. They don't seem to be working anyway. I have to just push through the stress and worry and wallow in the sadness when it comes... acknowledging it and moving on. And on those grey, dark days, I'll just crumple.

Thats ok. Its part of being human.

Getting outside and getting fresh air makes me feel better. I haven't been out to do another 10km since last week, I might give it a go this arvo. I would like to - being cooped up in this little townhouse with restless children makes me want to run screaming. Without them. :)

I did plan on doing it every single day. Last thursday, the day after the 10k practice, Zeke and I went to the same place and rode our bikes - I just had to show him the awesome park with the little roads and stop signs.

But there was trouble brewing. It's great when Spring comes... everything is new and fresh. but if you live in Australia (it does happen in the rest of the country, doesn't it? Not just to us banana benders?) you are well acquainted with the terror that spring brings.....

We ARE two lost souls stuck in a fishbowl, year after year.

Every spring the Australian magpie protects his territory and his birdlings.... by swooping at anyone riding/walking/ crying and bleeding in retreat from their Terror-tory. With the false sense of security from walking through the same spot 6 times the day before I didn't think there would be a problem - despite the signs warning us of magpie season......

Universe, that picture gives me the creeps.

On the way to the park it swooped. It followed. There isn't much more terrifying than walking along a bike path not knowing where or how many or even if they are going to get you. In my haste to get away, I left Zeke to fend for himself. I'm sorry Zeke... but at least I was keeping the Magpie from him. Zeke's pretty good at catching up.

We got to the park without any more swooping. But he followed us. I'm sure of it. Unless it was another one. Zeke and I were on the swings.. Zeke was oblivious.. I was shitting myself. The Maggie calmly bounced closer and closer to the swings, I'm there trying not to make any sudden movements and taking note of a metre long stick nearby. The maggie picks at the ground, watches and ends up flying back up to the tree.....

We rode the long way home, but still had to go past the corner. The bike ride was really good, we were really enjoying it. And then, as we turned to go down the street towards home.. I had that feeling of impending doom. I really did. My eyes were scanning the trees, the electricity lines, the footpath, the road. Couldn't see anything. Couldn't hear anything. I had images in my brain of the magpie swooping. I knew it was going to happen - and it was going to be prolonged - we still had about 100-200m to go.

It got me. No warning apart from my exciting psychic powers. It felt like one of those little sandbags you use instead of shotputs in PE in primary school had hit me on the side of the head.. and a little sting.

There was blood.

I yelped that embarrassing scream and crossed the road. Zeke knew to follow me. He held it together, my brave little man. He's only 4. I'm glad the Magpie was only going for me...


It watched us, from the wires above, as we crossed the road. It swooped and tried again. And again. And again.  I bolted. It would've been hilarious to watch. Again I'm trying to get out of there, panicked, telling Zeke behind me just to keep going - he did - and waited at a spot past the corner while I was being divebombed by a 'gentleman with his hands in his pockets'... (some wierd poetical reference I read while searching for scary pics...)


He followed me up the road - I would turn around and he would be behind me, on the ground...

Watching me. High on his own testosterone. He has a taste for blood - my delicious blood. I was scared of this bloody bird. I was swearing, waving and flailing my arms around, pushing the bike, looking out for Zeke, hoping the Maggie would give up. When I got to the corner I had to stop. I burst into tears. It was so embarrassing, I felt like such a sook. The bleeding had stopped, but my ear was throbbing.

That bird really hurt my feelings.

Its not that ridiculous. I've been swooped a couple of times in my wanderings on this planet - but never divebombed and hit. Never blitzkrieged in the middle of the day by a fucking bird.

So Zeke and I started home. The worst was over, thank Universe. A jogger ran past me and I flinched. Traumatised!

And then there was another one! I looked up - the thing was flying right towards me, screeching. I lost it. Survival mode kicked in. I got up the hill as fast as I could. Poor Zeke. He told me he didn't want me to go outside again. He didn't want me to get attacked by magpies.

I didn't want to go outside. I didn't even want to be the one to pick Monique up. I was a mess. I had crumpled. Defeated. Scared of something I couldn't control.

I guess I realised that day I wasn't immune. Life really is just like the movies.  I remember once, coming home from school, I was walking through a laneway to get home. There were about 5-10 magpies sitting along the fence on each side... watching as I walked past. It felt eerie - and could've been taken out of 'The Birds'...


I hope I never see another magpie again.
But I know I will. And until about November, I'll be the person who keeps flinching and looking towards the trees everytime she leaves the house....

carpe diem

1st one done....

Ok, so I just decided to find out how long it takes me to walk/run/jog/crawl/pay someone to drag me on a piece of cardboard for 10km. This is all in preparation for the unexpected joy of realising I will have to do the 10km run if I want to participate in the Bridge to Brisbane.

It took me 1 hour and 40 mins.

I'm buggared. My lungs are fine, they are happy cos I didnt force myself to jog too much. I would say I probably (or even maybe) jogged a cumulation of 1 km. Maybe. Before I started I had stars in my eyes.. "I'm going to aim to get it under an hour" I tell myself... riiiiiiiight. I did the week 1 c25k program for the first 30 minutes.. and then walked the rest at a brisk pace. I did a little bit of interval training - jogging every so often.

1 hour and 40 minutes isn't bad, I reckon. The only reason I care about time is that I have to be in Southbank for Uni assessment by 9:15 am. I can do this :) maybe even enjoy it :)

I also weighed myself - I'm still 106kgs. Its good to know my body has a happy equilibrium, even if I live like a bit of a dickhead... ;p

I need a signature thingy at the bottom, to track changes... maybe I'll just cut n paste till I figure it out.

Start date: 7/11/2012 @ 120kgs
Weight: 106kgs   Lost so far: 14kgs
Waist: 112.5cm   Lost so far: 7.5cm
10km - 1 hour and 40 mins.

Goal: To get under 100kgs and participate in the B2B 10k.

I will not fail me

So I fell into the depths of despair, and self-annihilated my motivation to be a healthy happy person. I feel stupid and shamed. I didn't want to publish the last post, but I have to acknowledge those sad, angry feelings and move on.

So I entered the Bridge to Brisbane fun run. Crazy, I know.

And I'm full of ideas and plans and excitement about devoting the next 6 weeks to preparing for the fun run - eating well, doing the c25k program... I bought a new sports bra for my boobies...

Uni starts tomorrow.. I was looking at my schedule. There is a timetable clash! I didn't want to believe it at first. The 5km starts at 9:40 am - but I have day 3 of my intensive negotiation class...! Soooooooo disappointed.

But the 10km starts at 6 am. Surely 3 hours is long enough to walk/jog/crawl 10kms, end up in the city, shower at Southbank and be at Uni by 9? It sounds like enough time, but yeah.

fuck it
Im gonna do it

So I am going to find out how to change my ticket to the 10km. I don't want to lose money :) And it was giving me something to aim for. I'm sick of trying to get under 100kg... (I will do this too) but maybe aiming to lose numbers isn't enough for me. I am shifting the focus to doing something - participating in the fun run. Only now, I've upped the odds - to do something totally out of my league and make it to class by 9...  might as well go the whole Hog.. do the full Monty... why do something half-assed?

We'll see. This will be an interesting journey :)

One of these days I will introduce you to B-Jives...  but for now, I'll just add that I borrowed her measuring tape. I'm glad I did...

7 Nov 2011 - I was 120kgs and 120cm around my waist.
14 Jul 2012 - I was 106kgs and 112.5 cm around my waist.

So despite all the ups and downs... I'm still at 14kgs lost. I feel better now. Some people only want to lose 14kgs... I'm still in the running to be a happy and healthy person :)

Help me, I'm in Hell

Ok, so maybe the use of a title of  NIN song is a bit dramatic.
But I feel disgusting.

I need some public humiliation. Or maybe just vegetables.

I have been very cruel to my body for the last two days. And now I feel sick, sad, depressed, tired, cranky, ugly, fat, stupid, embarrassed. My house feels messy (even though its not more than usual) and I have a toothache.

I feel like a failure. I want to go back to bed. Wallow in my self pity. Maybe even masturbate. Isn't that supposed to make you feel better?

I'm on a rollercoaster. Only a few days ago I was feeling great. Positive. I need to find that me again. Go for a walk? I don't want to.

I ate so much. My stomach feels bloated. Just thinking about what I ate makes me feel sick. And yet, at the back of my mind, I am reminded that I still have half a block of hazelnut chocolate left in the cupboard... and there is an unopened bottle of ice magic and heaps of ice cream left.

Why? Why am I like this and how do I stop?

Two nights ago, before this eating merry-go-round started, I sat there on this very laptop, telling myself - its just the munchies.. its just the munchies... I was sucking on a diet lolly. And then I got up and ate 2 handfuls of mixed unsalted nuts. Then I made 4 submarine pizzas... at 10pm at night! I should've gone to bed. Why didn't I go to bed? After the pizzas, I had a bowl of ice cream and ice magic.

Yesterday I woke up feeling yuck.. and telling myself I wouldn't do the same again. But I did. I ate pretty well during the day... but then I had the great idea of getting Pizza for dinner. All that junk is just a waste of money.

There were jam drops. There were kingstons. I didnt even finish the hazelnut choc. Or get onto the Ice Magic.

I'm over it now. I wish I could say it wasn't going to happen again tonight. The important thing is that IT DOESNT HAVE TO.

I'm even too ashamed to post this. Even without mentioning the masturbation. But I will. Post this, I mean. Redemption through public humiliation.

Oh the exposure.

Breathing heavy

Today has been another good day, I'm sitting here feeling positive and motivated.

I love this feeling. Won't you stay with me, just a little lonnger?

I've eaten well today, walked to Zeke's kindy and back twice, and went for a bike ride by myself to a park. My bike has no gears, but I love it. Having no gears makes it harder to pedal, that must be a good thing :) I love the colour, and the basket. And the handle bars. And the seat. Is it strange to love a seat? Have you ever sat on your bike while the seat is warmed by the sun?

Its a strangely happy feeling ;p

Tomorrow morning there is a free Zumba class at the school. Now I have given up my membership to the gime, I am taking advantage of free stuff :)

And in the afternoon, after Allan gets home, it will be day 2 of C25K. I'll have to work on the bra situation though ;p

the first cut is the deepest

Baby I know

Today is going well so far - I've stuck to the meal plan, only on my second coffee and I will try not to have another one for the rest of the day.

I'm listening to records, about to do some housework - this place is a mess. One of the most awesome and inspiring people I know  (I don't know many, so it's not hard) cleans as a way of keeping active. I need to stop telling myself I'm lazy - that I don't want to do it.  Get rid of those self-defeating thoughts!

Which gets me thinking - weight loss is all in the mind - you have to overcome habits, you have to maintain your motivation and inspiration.  For years, I've wanted to try meditation - can you imagine inner stillness? Peace AND quiet? So I have been looking on the internet for positive affirmations and meditation stuff. Where do I start?  The obvious answer is sit still, in a quiet plac,e and empty the mind. Firstly, quiet place? There is no such thing. Empty the mind? It may take a while.

But you gotta start somewhere :) I keep planning on doing this, but when I get the chance to do it, there is other stuff to do.

......

So Allan's Mum pops in. I hadn't started the housework yet, and was just writing the above post. Oh great, I thought, and the place is a mess. My mother-in-law has never seen our house clean. Its never clean long enough.

So there is the third cup of coffee with a dose of shame.

I gotta clean this house everyday. If I do it for an hour every morning, then one day, there wont be as much to do.... one day.


.....

This afternoon I was feeling restless... I decided to pull my finger out and start the c25k today. I wore 2 bras and 2 tight tshirts - to bind my boobies ... they still had their own swagger.. but they were supported :) Gotta get a better bra.

I'm so unfit. But that's ok. I'll get there. I will. I just have to remember to keep on going. keep going.

like Dory... keep on swimming...

Before I left I weighed myself. 106kg. My heart dropped. I got as low as 102kg a month or so ago... yeah its winter. yeah i ate badly. Im just sick of putting on weight. It feels shitty. it feels like nothing you do works. You are tired of trying.

15/7/12 @ 106 kgs

I have to push past that.

Here is a picture of me today, bound before jogging.

I look special - but thats cos I am :)

The title of this photo should be "Camel toe or Moose knuckle?" Im trying to get these photos to sync, and be next to each other.. but they repel each other as much as they repel me.

15/7/12 @ 106kgs

Tomorrow is a new day :)

I will show you what can happen in a year!

2/1/12 @ 115kgs

Right - this is it. Im SO sick of feeling like shit. Im SO sick of planning to do something about it. Doing a little bit about it. Then giving up and deciding to fuck it instead.

30/6/12

Inpsiration and Motivation is the hardest part. Maybe. I hate the stupid planning. I hate the reminding myself, "No, I won't east this cos I want to lose weight."

This blog itself is testament to my staying power, my willpower to continue with something. I started it 18 months or so ago, full of big ideas and plans... it didnt work out.

But I'm not a quitter. 12 years at Uni and a $64000 HECS (now renamed HELP) debt is proof of that.



5/4/10 @ 103 kgs

I seem to be on the internet alot. In fact, I go on facebook first thing every morning as I drink my coffee.  And its the morning that shapes the day. So I need something inspiring to look at. So this blog will be my inspiration board.

5/7/12

Well that's the plan.

But first, the confessional. Here are some yucky pics of me - they make me feel sad. I dont want to be that fatty anymore

Nov 2011 @ 120kgs

For the first time ever, I have created my own menu plan and shopping list for the week - by using those Symply Too Good to be True books - book 5 to be exact.  I'll do the actual shopping tomorrow.

And for exercise, I am going to throw myself in c25k. I could start tomorrow. I've been putting it off because of my boobies. But I'll wear 2 bras... and a singlet.. under a tshirt :)

I can do this. I can do this. I CAN DO THIS.

My GOALS: 1. To be under 100kgs
2. To participate in the Bridge to Brisbane on 2 Sep, the 5k run.

Thats it.
Now to find some inspiration.