Help me, I'm in Hell

Ok, so maybe the use of a title of  NIN song is a bit dramatic.
But I feel disgusting.

I need some public humiliation. Or maybe just vegetables.

I have been very cruel to my body for the last two days. And now I feel sick, sad, depressed, tired, cranky, ugly, fat, stupid, embarrassed. My house feels messy (even though its not more than usual) and I have a toothache.

I feel like a failure. I want to go back to bed. Wallow in my self pity. Maybe even masturbate. Isn't that supposed to make you feel better?

I'm on a rollercoaster. Only a few days ago I was feeling great. Positive. I need to find that me again. Go for a walk? I don't want to.

I ate so much. My stomach feels bloated. Just thinking about what I ate makes me feel sick. And yet, at the back of my mind, I am reminded that I still have half a block of hazelnut chocolate left in the cupboard... and there is an unopened bottle of ice magic and heaps of ice cream left.

Why? Why am I like this and how do I stop?

Two nights ago, before this eating merry-go-round started, I sat there on this very laptop, telling myself - its just the munchies.. its just the munchies... I was sucking on a diet lolly. And then I got up and ate 2 handfuls of mixed unsalted nuts. Then I made 4 submarine pizzas... at 10pm at night! I should've gone to bed. Why didn't I go to bed? After the pizzas, I had a bowl of ice cream and ice magic.

Yesterday I woke up feeling yuck.. and telling myself I wouldn't do the same again. But I did. I ate pretty well during the day... but then I had the great idea of getting Pizza for dinner. All that junk is just a waste of money.

There were jam drops. There were kingstons. I didnt even finish the hazelnut choc. Or get onto the Ice Magic.

I'm over it now. I wish I could say it wasn't going to happen again tonight. The important thing is that IT DOESNT HAVE TO.

I'm even too ashamed to post this. Even without mentioning the masturbation. But I will. Post this, I mean. Redemption through public humiliation.

Oh the exposure.