Mind fu*ked it

blegh.

What is wrong with me? Not much, let me tell you!

My mind deserted me today. In that sense, it won. I gave up halfway through a podcast, and felt so despondent, there were tears. I had a stitch too. And my stomach hurt. I felt worse for giving up.

Zeke and I had been to the pool today - so there was the walk there and back and then entertaining him at the pool. My body was tired.

I also missed lunch. Ate the equivalent of 2 carrots. I didn't mean to, it was more just not wanting to eat the white processed bread with butter and vegemite that we did have. In hindsight I should have made an effort. I have eggs. I could've boiled one and had it on a piece of toast or something.

I'm so stressed at the moment - Christmas is coming and I am soooo broke. I'm stressing about paying the child care centre who failed to tell me for about 3 months that I was only paying half of what I was supposed to be paying, letting me accrue a debt of $500. I would've pulled him out then and there, but I needed those days to finish uni. I miss the extra days in there already!

I'm worried I won't graduate after the disastrous exam. I feel sad and sorry for myself that I don't have parents to fuss over how great it is that I'm graduating with a Law degree.. and it is not because they are dead - but because they are shells stuck in a stupor.

I'm feeling anxious about the kids' school. There are stories coming out of there, from other parents, of things happening, and nothing seems to be getting better. I would like to change schools, but we are currently right across the road from ours.. nothing can beat that convenience. I keep reasoning it in that when I graduate and get a graduate position, then we can move and know where we will settle, because I don't want to change them between lots of schools. Allan doesn't want me to change their school at all. Monique is happy at school, nearly finished with grade one. She is learning heaps and doesn't seem bothered by the rumoured behaviour. Zeke starts next year and the prep program is awesome.

I feel like the fact I'm staying says I don't care. But I do. I have weighed up the pros and cons. Im so torn. If I could honestly afford to change schools for next year I would - but there are 2x uniforms, 2 x booklists etc.. and Allan won't be happy about giving up the car. If the school does get much worse, we will have to leave.

I was feeling depressed before I went for this jog. I didn't want to, but relied on the hope that I would feel better when I got back. But I'm so edgy I was already on the edge of tears. My stomach was hurting, which I now realise was from hunger, and I drank a big drink of water and got a stitch.  I just broke. Trudged home. Cried a little bit.

Its done now. I'll try again on Friday :) Keep on swimming... apparently.

Hoiye, it's moiye :)

I haven't been here for so long. It's not that I have forgotten you, dear blog.. it's just that having finished the Uni year (and with any luck, undergrad uni degree altogether) I feel like there is a world of possibility for me :)

This blog has also become habitually obsessed with my c25k'ing... which is kinda funny, cos I have been waiting to run before blogging... I even remember saying to Christine before the fun run 'Take my photo! It's for my blog!' .. well they aren't forthcoming yet, but I have seen the professional ones that you can buy. I'm going to buy mine. How else can I be Bobbi #2 ??? I lve how she has the comparisons.... so yeah it is motivating .. and so I will do it too :)

I didnt reach that 20kg loss by 7 Nov. But I'm ok with that. I'm still fucking around at 102kg. A total plateau and its frustrating! Looking at photos of me before, a year ago, I feel sad for me. But I feel happier for me too. I'm not stuck there anymore. And obviously I have to shake things up - getting fitter by running is the cardio part - I've been working myself up to do pushups, crunches, squats and lunges everyday. Just as much as I can in the mornings. But when it comes to those mornings, I don't want to do it anymore ;p I have to remind myself, that resistance training will shock this old body into losing weight again...

And I'm not sure how that exam went. It feels like it went terribly. Like I failed. Why do I feel like I know more about Murphy's Law than Evidence Law? The car tyre went flat that day. I wasted hours. I was almost in tears, fighting them back actually, as I went to hand the essay in, and I heard a whole bunch of other people talking about how hard it was and giving up and not finishing it. So hopefully I'm just being your typical depressed, over critical and anxious law student and I have actually passed.

Anyway, I went for a run today - I've only done one since the fun run. My next target is the Resolution Run on Jan 13. Its the same course as the PWC one.. so I really wanna improve my time!

PWC Cool Night Classic 2012

I did it!

Really!

I probably wouldn't have done it if Christine wasn't doing it too. She reminded me yesterday that I would regret it. And I totally would have. I remember the disappointment in not being able to do the Bridge to Brisbane. But its funny how excuses can set in. You know as well as I do, how much effort I had put in training for this.

And I feel great :) I feel happy. I feel in control again. Weird, huh? And my muscles aren't killing me. I was so worried and anxious about it. I haven't run for a few weeks... would I be able to? I guess my body is just getting fitter :)

So my time was 47 minutes.. which is awesome, cos my usual sessions were about an hour - though my usual sessions have an extra 800m (but I dont think it takes me 13 minutes to walk 800m) and I didnt have the 5 minute warm up walk beforehand. Well I kind of did, because we caught the train in and the walk is about 15 minutes from Roma St. There is a chance that my time is even less because the timer would have started when the first people went, and it took about 5 minutes to get started... waiting for the crowds to disperse.

I ran more than I thought I would on that first burst.... I felt part of something. Proud. It was my challenge. No one was looking at me. No one really cared when I stopped and walked. A lot of people did, so I wasn't the only one!

After that, I did what I could. I walked briskly, and when I felt I could breathe again, or the stitch went away, I would run, maybe for 30 seconds at a time ;p And at the end, when I saw 47 mins on the clock, I got another burst of energy... and I'm so psyched right now to do another one in a couple of months. :)

The next one I want to do is the Brisbane Resolution Run on Jan 13, which is a good idea, taking advantage of new years resolutions and all:) And then after that, I want to do the one that is the RACQ Insurance International Women's Day Fun Run/Walk  on the 10th March.

Well now I have to wind down, cos I have that huge exam tomorrow - so I can graduate!

Everything is coming up Milhouse!

The Night before....

The fun run is tomorrow and the 'don't wannas' have set in.

Do I really want to do this?

Yes I do. I was so psyched about it. And I do want to do it. But I haven't gone for a run for a few weeks, I've been so focused on getting essays in and preparing for exams... October has been a busy month. My last exam is on friday. I am not really ready, but I'm going to give it my best shot - I have to pass to graduate!

It is a take home exam, which means I have 10 hours to download, complete and upload again.. and hand it in at uni. The kids will be at school and kindy. We have an abundance of milk in the fridge (though I would rather it was pepsi max!). Apparently it would take a prepared student 4 hours to do. OMFG. So I will need the whole 10!

I want to start running again. I don't want my body to get lazy ... and I remember how horrid my calves were.. so I wanna make sure they don't get sooky again ;p

And my body feels heavy again. I havent really been watching what I eat... and I havent been exercising. I havent gained weight and I definately havent reached that 20kg mark. I was 800g off. I want to reach that 20kg mark by 7th Nov! Can I focus and do this?

Yes!

I was starting to bow out of the fun run when Christine said something about me definately regretting not doing it. She is right! Gotta get out of that comfort zone. I'm quite used to making a dick of myself in social situations.. so its silly that I'm afraid of embarrassing myself for being unfit at a fun run!

Its tomorrow afternoon. Exam friday. New lease on life on Saturday - aim to lose 2kgs (at last look I was 102kg - again, I dont really want to weigh myself) by next wednesday. It is possible - especially if its just bloating from bread :)

I will :)

An unpleasant reminder

I was talking about this photo today, and it was taken almost a year ago, on the 1/11/11. I was about 120kg, and feeling yuck. I hated my body. I was trying to lose weight, but nothing was working. I was smoking and eating a lot.

Then I signed up for some personal training - My waist was 120cm. Huge! And I knew, if nothing happened, I would just get bigger and bigger.

When I first saw this photo, my first thought was, how can they love me? They do love me, but how?

That's really sad. If I have learnt anything, I have learnt that I was giving up too easily. You have to change everything. And you have to get that heart rate up! Get out of that comfort zone... even (and especially) if you don't want to.

And I have been doing that with the c25k podcasts... I'm 50/50 when it comes to doing them, but I want to do them and I gave myself the goal of doing a fun run - and I don't want to embarass myself.

Also I need to remind myself, I have lost a lot of weight - almost 20kg.. and it doesn't matter if there are '30 to go'.. I've lost 20 so far :)

Happy calves

Hi there :)

Hump week is over, yee haaaaaa. It's that week at Uni, usually towards the end of the semester when everything is due - and this year, it was the second week of the school holidays - and I was stressed and cranky and remorseful and trying and not getting anywhere. I only managed to do one c25k session last week, and I generally ate properly. Well I must have gone ok, because I weighed in today and I've lost a kilo - so I'm back to my pre-holiday weight, and still precariously close to reaching that big 20!

Losing weight is not just about diet and exercise. Maintaining a healthy diet and getting up off that butt and movin' and shakin' it is all in the mind. My mistakes are in my mind. The sadness and anger that leads to comfort eating swirls around in my mind. You have to be committed. You need to conquer your demons. You have to ask yourself: 

"Are you fat cos you ate badly and were so busy you didn't exercise, or are you fat cos you are a sad, sad person and hate yourself?"

I think I'm a bit of both. But I dont hate myself. I love me, I'm fascinated by me :) I'm loving this work in progress... though I do beat myself up about things. I have to ask myself, if it is because of the sad sad thing, what is making me sad and eat till I'm in a food coma?

Meh, this all feels too heavy right now. I'm still recuperating after hump week :) On the plus side, the jog today went fairly well - I've decided to be nice to my body and do the week 2 podcast for 2 weeks as well... it's still an effort to jog and so I don't think I'm taking it too easy on myself.. and I can feel myself getting fitter.

I'm still as slow as a snail but I feel faster :) And my calves are broken in lol .. they don't hurt like they did a month ago. You could say I have happy calves.

Funny that. On the way back from the other end of the street is a farm with cows, and they were all running around this afternoon - there were at least 10 calves running around, and 4 of them were having a blast together, running ahead. So cute. Happy calves.

Easing back into it with an attack of the senses....

Wow it has been 2 weeks since I last posted! Has the novelty worn off already? No.... I'm going to keep on swimming.
Or walk/jog/crawl/limping!

My holiday with Smother went as expected, hopefully that wasn't perpetuated by my attitude, because I tried really hard to be patient and just let her talk... but I guess 6 nights was 2 nights too many :s I did leave things badly, which I now feel guilty about. But I don't think I'm the only one who should say sorry. I am the only one who won't hear it though. Yes I do like my twists bitter!

It really is beautiful there. I wish I explored more than I did, but I acted the Roman instead. I did do a c25k session the second day in... and loved it - breathing in the country air, making myself totally obvious. These photos are the views I had while c25k'ing.


The top photo though is a bit disappointing. I dont feel that big. And bulgy. I was feeling ok that day - though I think I comfort ate BIG TIME the night before. Emotional issues + impulsiveness + no interest in controlling my eating = a binge on a jar of nutella and a packet of chocolate rocky road biscuits.


I went for a walk on one of the other mornings. I felt so free and at peace I didn't want to go back to the caravan park. I would love to live there... but if I did, I would be huge.... and feral. And probably happy. But it would only work if I didn't want to do anything else with my life.. so I'll keep my options open for retiring down there instead ;p

Anyway, home again home again jiggity jig. I went for the first c25k week 2 podcast today - and am happy to say that I can jog for 90secs at a time! It doesn't sound like much now, but when you are waiting for the guy to say 'ok you can now slow down to your brisk pace' it feels like forever. My legs feel fine, my calves hurt a bit at the end, but I've stretched a few times. The endorphins have kicked in.. feelin' groovy :)



And it is 1 month into the 3 month challenge, where I wanted to lose 10kgs .. I am happy to say, that despite my hiatus in the hinterland, I have lost a total of 3 kg this month, currently weighing in at 102.4 kg. 

Getting back into it... gotta start somewhere and remind myuself of my goals :) The Fun Run is in less than a month! I wonder how long I can run at a time by then? 3 minutes??? Imagine that!

My goal this month is to reach that big 20kg loss... and I want to do it by 7 Nov - because that is when I weighed in at 120kgs.... :)