The results are in...

Well I've slacked off for the most of the rest of November, its the end, and I think I may have done 3 runs :) Here is my pledge to get back into it :) Though apparently we are in the middle of a heatwave at the moment, so Ill start again Monday ;p Alllways Monday!

I have purchased the photos :)

Running over the Goodwill Bridge. Actually, I was walking up the bridge, but when I was in front of the camera I started running :)

 

Total number of runners: 3078
Women: 1455
Average time to run 5km: 32:34
Fastest time: 15:43
Slowest: 55:26

Number of female runners: 1400
Averag female time: 35:42
Fastest woman:18:15
Slowest: 54:58

There were 13 Nicoles in the race. I was 13th ;p
Net time: 43:30
Overall - 3012 - one of the last!


But I felt awesome afterwards. I still remember that feeling. Look how happy I look. Yuck, look at my black tooth. But more importantly, look how happy I look.. and I remember feeling really proud and positive that evening too.. I almost didn't do it.

And even though this post is dated whenever, I'm actually publishing it on 30th November.
I've gotta get back into running! The Resolution Run is in about 6 weeks :) (Must buy ticket :) )

Mind fu*ked it

blegh.

What is wrong with me? Not much, let me tell you!

My mind deserted me today. In that sense, it won. I gave up halfway through a podcast, and felt so despondent, there were tears. I had a stitch too. And my stomach hurt. I felt worse for giving up.

Zeke and I had been to the pool today - so there was the walk there and back and then entertaining him at the pool. My body was tired.

I also missed lunch. Ate the equivalent of 2 carrots. I didn't mean to, it was more just not wanting to eat the white processed bread with butter and vegemite that we did have. In hindsight I should have made an effort. I have eggs. I could've boiled one and had it on a piece of toast or something.

I'm so stressed at the moment - Christmas is coming and I am soooo broke. I'm stressing about paying the child care centre who failed to tell me for about 3 months that I was only paying half of what I was supposed to be paying, letting me accrue a debt of $500. I would've pulled him out then and there, but I needed those days to finish uni. I miss the extra days in there already!

I'm worried I won't graduate after the disastrous exam. I feel sad and sorry for myself that I don't have parents to fuss over how great it is that I'm graduating with a Law degree.. and it is not because they are dead - but because they are shells stuck in a stupor.

I'm feeling anxious about the kids' school. There are stories coming out of there, from other parents, of things happening, and nothing seems to be getting better. I would like to change schools, but we are currently right across the road from ours.. nothing can beat that convenience. I keep reasoning it in that when I graduate and get a graduate position, then we can move and know where we will settle, because I don't want to change them between lots of schools. Allan doesn't want me to change their school at all. Monique is happy at school, nearly finished with grade one. She is learning heaps and doesn't seem bothered by the rumoured behaviour. Zeke starts next year and the prep program is awesome.

I feel like the fact I'm staying says I don't care. But I do. I have weighed up the pros and cons. Im so torn. If I could honestly afford to change schools for next year I would - but there are 2x uniforms, 2 x booklists etc.. and Allan won't be happy about giving up the car. If the school does get much worse, we will have to leave.

I was feeling depressed before I went for this jog. I didn't want to, but relied on the hope that I would feel better when I got back. But I'm so edgy I was already on the edge of tears. My stomach was hurting, which I now realise was from hunger, and I drank a big drink of water and got a stitch.  I just broke. Trudged home. Cried a little bit.

Its done now. I'll try again on Friday :) Keep on swimming... apparently.

Hoiye, it's moiye :)

I haven't been here for so long. It's not that I have forgotten you, dear blog.. it's just that having finished the Uni year (and with any luck, undergrad uni degree altogether) I feel like there is a world of possibility for me :)

This blog has also become habitually obsessed with my c25k'ing... which is kinda funny, cos I have been waiting to run before blogging... I even remember saying to Christine before the fun run 'Take my photo! It's for my blog!' .. well they aren't forthcoming yet, but I have seen the professional ones that you can buy. I'm going to buy mine. How else can I be Bobbi #2 ??? I lve how she has the comparisons.... so yeah it is motivating .. and so I will do it too :)

I didnt reach that 20kg loss by 7 Nov. But I'm ok with that. I'm still fucking around at 102kg. A total plateau and its frustrating! Looking at photos of me before, a year ago, I feel sad for me. But I feel happier for me too. I'm not stuck there anymore. And obviously I have to shake things up - getting fitter by running is the cardio part - I've been working myself up to do pushups, crunches, squats and lunges everyday. Just as much as I can in the mornings. But when it comes to those mornings, I don't want to do it anymore ;p I have to remind myself, that resistance training will shock this old body into losing weight again...

And I'm not sure how that exam went. It feels like it went terribly. Like I failed. Why do I feel like I know more about Murphy's Law than Evidence Law? The car tyre went flat that day. I wasted hours. I was almost in tears, fighting them back actually, as I went to hand the essay in, and I heard a whole bunch of other people talking about how hard it was and giving up and not finishing it. So hopefully I'm just being your typical depressed, over critical and anxious law student and I have actually passed.

Anyway, I went for a run today - I've only done one since the fun run. My next target is the Resolution Run on Jan 13. Its the same course as the PWC one.. so I really wanna improve my time!

PWC Cool Night Classic 2012

I did it!

Really!

I probably wouldn't have done it if Christine wasn't doing it too. She reminded me yesterday that I would regret it. And I totally would have. I remember the disappointment in not being able to do the Bridge to Brisbane. But its funny how excuses can set in. You know as well as I do, how much effort I had put in training for this.

And I feel great :) I feel happy. I feel in control again. Weird, huh? And my muscles aren't killing me. I was so worried and anxious about it. I haven't run for a few weeks... would I be able to? I guess my body is just getting fitter :)

So my time was 47 minutes.. which is awesome, cos my usual sessions were about an hour - though my usual sessions have an extra 800m (but I dont think it takes me 13 minutes to walk 800m) and I didnt have the 5 minute warm up walk beforehand. Well I kind of did, because we caught the train in and the walk is about 15 minutes from Roma St. There is a chance that my time is even less because the timer would have started when the first people went, and it took about 5 minutes to get started... waiting for the crowds to disperse.

I ran more than I thought I would on that first burst.... I felt part of something. Proud. It was my challenge. No one was looking at me. No one really cared when I stopped and walked. A lot of people did, so I wasn't the only one!

After that, I did what I could. I walked briskly, and when I felt I could breathe again, or the stitch went away, I would run, maybe for 30 seconds at a time ;p And at the end, when I saw 47 mins on the clock, I got another burst of energy... and I'm so psyched right now to do another one in a couple of months. :)

The next one I want to do is the Brisbane Resolution Run on Jan 13, which is a good idea, taking advantage of new years resolutions and all:) And then after that, I want to do the one that is the RACQ Insurance International Women's Day Fun Run/Walk  on the 10th March.

Well now I have to wind down, cos I have that huge exam tomorrow - so I can graduate!

Everything is coming up Milhouse!

The Night before....

The fun run is tomorrow and the 'don't wannas' have set in.

Do I really want to do this?

Yes I do. I was so psyched about it. And I do want to do it. But I haven't gone for a run for a few weeks, I've been so focused on getting essays in and preparing for exams... October has been a busy month. My last exam is on friday. I am not really ready, but I'm going to give it my best shot - I have to pass to graduate!

It is a take home exam, which means I have 10 hours to download, complete and upload again.. and hand it in at uni. The kids will be at school and kindy. We have an abundance of milk in the fridge (though I would rather it was pepsi max!). Apparently it would take a prepared student 4 hours to do. OMFG. So I will need the whole 10!

I want to start running again. I don't want my body to get lazy ... and I remember how horrid my calves were.. so I wanna make sure they don't get sooky again ;p

And my body feels heavy again. I havent really been watching what I eat... and I havent been exercising. I havent gained weight and I definately havent reached that 20kg mark. I was 800g off. I want to reach that 20kg mark by 7th Nov! Can I focus and do this?

Yes!

I was starting to bow out of the fun run when Christine said something about me definately regretting not doing it. She is right! Gotta get out of that comfort zone. I'm quite used to making a dick of myself in social situations.. so its silly that I'm afraid of embarrassing myself for being unfit at a fun run!

Its tomorrow afternoon. Exam friday. New lease on life on Saturday - aim to lose 2kgs (at last look I was 102kg - again, I dont really want to weigh myself) by next wednesday. It is possible - especially if its just bloating from bread :)

I will :)

An unpleasant reminder

I was talking about this photo today, and it was taken almost a year ago, on the 1/11/11. I was about 120kg, and feeling yuck. I hated my body. I was trying to lose weight, but nothing was working. I was smoking and eating a lot.

Then I signed up for some personal training - My waist was 120cm. Huge! And I knew, if nothing happened, I would just get bigger and bigger.

When I first saw this photo, my first thought was, how can they love me? They do love me, but how?

That's really sad. If I have learnt anything, I have learnt that I was giving up too easily. You have to change everything. And you have to get that heart rate up! Get out of that comfort zone... even (and especially) if you don't want to.

And I have been doing that with the c25k podcasts... I'm 50/50 when it comes to doing them, but I want to do them and I gave myself the goal of doing a fun run - and I don't want to embarass myself.

Also I need to remind myself, I have lost a lot of weight - almost 20kg.. and it doesn't matter if there are '30 to go'.. I've lost 20 so far :)

Happy calves

Hi there :)

Hump week is over, yee haaaaaa. It's that week at Uni, usually towards the end of the semester when everything is due - and this year, it was the second week of the school holidays - and I was stressed and cranky and remorseful and trying and not getting anywhere. I only managed to do one c25k session last week, and I generally ate properly. Well I must have gone ok, because I weighed in today and I've lost a kilo - so I'm back to my pre-holiday weight, and still precariously close to reaching that big 20!

Losing weight is not just about diet and exercise. Maintaining a healthy diet and getting up off that butt and movin' and shakin' it is all in the mind. My mistakes are in my mind. The sadness and anger that leads to comfort eating swirls around in my mind. You have to be committed. You need to conquer your demons. You have to ask yourself: 

"Are you fat cos you ate badly and were so busy you didn't exercise, or are you fat cos you are a sad, sad person and hate yourself?"

I think I'm a bit of both. But I dont hate myself. I love me, I'm fascinated by me :) I'm loving this work in progress... though I do beat myself up about things. I have to ask myself, if it is because of the sad sad thing, what is making me sad and eat till I'm in a food coma?

Meh, this all feels too heavy right now. I'm still recuperating after hump week :) On the plus side, the jog today went fairly well - I've decided to be nice to my body and do the week 2 podcast for 2 weeks as well... it's still an effort to jog and so I don't think I'm taking it too easy on myself.. and I can feel myself getting fitter.

I'm still as slow as a snail but I feel faster :) And my calves are broken in lol .. they don't hurt like they did a month ago. You could say I have happy calves.

Funny that. On the way back from the other end of the street is a farm with cows, and they were all running around this afternoon - there were at least 10 calves running around, and 4 of them were having a blast together, running ahead. So cute. Happy calves.

Easing back into it with an attack of the senses....

Wow it has been 2 weeks since I last posted! Has the novelty worn off already? No.... I'm going to keep on swimming.
Or walk/jog/crawl/limping!

My holiday with Smother went as expected, hopefully that wasn't perpetuated by my attitude, because I tried really hard to be patient and just let her talk... but I guess 6 nights was 2 nights too many :s I did leave things badly, which I now feel guilty about. But I don't think I'm the only one who should say sorry. I am the only one who won't hear it though. Yes I do like my twists bitter!

It really is beautiful there. I wish I explored more than I did, but I acted the Roman instead. I did do a c25k session the second day in... and loved it - breathing in the country air, making myself totally obvious. These photos are the views I had while c25k'ing.


The top photo though is a bit disappointing. I dont feel that big. And bulgy. I was feeling ok that day - though I think I comfort ate BIG TIME the night before. Emotional issues + impulsiveness + no interest in controlling my eating = a binge on a jar of nutella and a packet of chocolate rocky road biscuits.


I went for a walk on one of the other mornings. I felt so free and at peace I didn't want to go back to the caravan park. I would love to live there... but if I did, I would be huge.... and feral. And probably happy. But it would only work if I didn't want to do anything else with my life.. so I'll keep my options open for retiring down there instead ;p

Anyway, home again home again jiggity jig. I went for the first c25k week 2 podcast today - and am happy to say that I can jog for 90secs at a time! It doesn't sound like much now, but when you are waiting for the guy to say 'ok you can now slow down to your brisk pace' it feels like forever. My legs feel fine, my calves hurt a bit at the end, but I've stretched a few times. The endorphins have kicked in.. feelin' groovy :)



And it is 1 month into the 3 month challenge, where I wanted to lose 10kgs .. I am happy to say, that despite my hiatus in the hinterland, I have lost a total of 3 kg this month, currently weighing in at 102.4 kg. 

Getting back into it... gotta start somewhere and remind myuself of my goals :) The Fun Run is in less than a month! I wonder how long I can run at a time by then? 3 minutes??? Imagine that!

My goal this month is to reach that big 20kg loss... and I want to do it by 7 Nov - because that is when I weighed in at 120kgs.... :)

Neeeeearly there :)

I have another loss of 700g.. which brings me to 101.4kg... sooo close to the big 20!
I'm excited for the big 20 because it means two things - 1. I have lost 20kgs, and 2. I will be under 100kg! Awesome!

And I have to remind myself how close I am and not give up now. I have been slipping up a bit with eating.. but I've taken the attitude that everyday is a new day... start everyday with a promise to myself and keep it as best I can.

And it will become habit. It just has to. It will get to the point where I'm good more often than bad and the weight will come off. It sucks that it has taken 10 years to get my ass into gear.. I have missed out on feeling attractive and good about myself in my 20s, when my body was young and my face was bright. But instead of mourning the loss of my youth (;p) I will love my 30s... I'm 31 now, and so much more wiser when it comes to the universe and myself... I think I really am coming into my own :) Graduating, losing weight, the kids growing up fairly normal - sure the house is a mess, we are always broke and I feel like a blob, but things will get better.



We really are lucky and we have come a long way in the last 10 years :) Even Allan has grown up!

I have another c25k session this afternoon. My calves are still a bit sore, so I'm feeling anxious - but I'm still going to do it :) I am still planning on doing the fun run - and I even plan to keep it up while on holiday next week! I have to just make sure I push myself to do it!

*******

I just did the c25k again. I'm starting to feel frustrated with it - I'm not ready to give up, but my calves are so sore. I remember the last time I attempted the program I had sore muscles for the whole two weeks, but on the last day I did it, I was feeling good and the muscles weren't hurting, but I could tell something was going to happen if I didn't get proper shoes. I was using Dunlop Volleys, which anyone who knows of them, knows they aren't made for running ;p I remember with every step I took I could feel pains shooting up my shins - and I knew if I kept going I would do damage. But now I have proper shoes (but more suited for walking/cross training) and I know the muscles need to get used to it - I'm just feeling impatient!

I will still try and keep going - and if, by the time of the fun run (in 6 weeks and 3 days) I am still grumbling etc and my muscles are still giving me the shits, I will give up the running thing.. until I start training for the next fun run ;p we'll see how I feel at the time!

Day 3 done... kill me .. actually no, numb me!!

omg someone tell me the pain ends.

My legs from the ankles to the knees have been so sore... running along whichever muscle on the inside of the leg. The rest of my legs are fine, none of the other muscles hurt during or after, though my quads did hurt the day after...I figured that was standard.

The breathing heavy doesn't bother me. The feeling that I'm jogging in slow motion doesn't really bother me. It's annoying, I feel like lead. Like my body is pushing the other way. It feels like I'm barely moving!

I really hope the pain in my legs goes away.

On the upside, I did awesome during the first listen of the podcast, all things aside. Today out of the 8 60 sec intervals, I missed none of them! Thats right - I did the whole thing!

But everytime I slowed to a walk, my legs were hurting. Bad. I couldn't bring my self to attempt the podcast on the way home as well.. so I walked - but it hurt. My legs felt like spiral pasta - all tight and twisted, but like jelly at the same time.

But focussing on the positives, I didn't collapse on the way home - and I did all the intervals in the podcast! So It is kinda a successful week. I will do the same week 1 podcast next week too :)

My eating today and yesterday has been pretty bad too. But for dinner tonight, I'm having vegie soup. A big bowl of vegie soup.

I gotta work this weekend, so my big challenge for the weekend is no junkfood at work!!!

And then I'll weigh in monday or tuesday :) Monday will be the next day for c25k. Hopefully my leg muscles will feel more used to it by then.

I remember the last time I did c25k, at the end of the second week I was feeling confident etc and didn't have sore muscles at all, but I knew my shoes were crap and if I kept going I would do damage.

I feel good after the run though - proud of myself :) So I'm enjoying that part ;p

Here is the link to the page where you can download the podcasts if you wanna give them a go...

C25k podcasts

Sore calves and lead legs... c25k day #2

Oooow. I keep reminding myself that it will get easier... but I read somewhere that it doesn't. Those sayings flash through my head "No pain, no gain" and .. well that was it. There is also "Just do it" but that just reminds me of Waterboy - "You can do it" (said by Rob Schneider)...

But what really got me through today was the determination not to flunk out of the fun run. I imagined myself trying to keep up with people, everyone starting together and then me puffing and panting back to a walk after a minute. And then I lose Christine cos she's so awesome she can do what I can't in 34 minutes. I don't want to do that... I want to jog the whole 5ks.... is it possible ?

So today was day 2 of c25k... I did the podcast twice on the 5.79k route from my place to the other end of the street and back. You are only supposed to do the podcast once 3 times a week.. but you know me... go hard or go eat something ;p

I'm not doing all the intervals... on the first go, I get through the first 4 intervals... and then walk through number 5 and then i think i miss maybe 1 of the following 3... and on the way back, i do whatever I think I can handle... the very last interval before getting home i thought I was gonna stop breathing or choke on air or something.. but I pushed through it :)

Anyway, another day, another muscle broken...

Another one bites the dust

yaaaaaay

Another kilo gone :) Now I just need to lose 2.2 kgs to be under 100kgs :)

I really wanna do this in the next two weeks, by the time I see Smother. So I can shut her up when she nags me about my weight - I can tell her I have lost 20kgs... and if she doesn't stop, I'll eat until I put it all back on again.

She drives me crazy, she really does! She takes whatever little infomation I give her and turns it into the most ridiculous situations...

She's the one that within the first minutes of seeing me, starts lecturing me about soft drink, when there will be none in my hand, or around the house. She will try and tell me I never gained weight when I lived with her - but she seems to forget I put on 20kgs when I was 14-15 years old and again when I was 20... and that I actually lost all that weight when I moved out.

I know it's not all her. But its hard to stay sane under stress and she stresses me out. The biggest challenge will be spending a week with her on the school holidays... I think I will be going for a lot of walks that week :)

But back to my happy day :) Im now 102.1kgs!

C25K day#1

I am running!

well not really... but Forrest Gump started somewhere and so am I.

I did the c25k week1 podcast today, to the other end of the street and back. I actually played the podcast twice, and even attempted the runs on the way back as well. I'm feeling quite chuffed actually ;p

The course I am doing is 5.79km, and usually, walking fast, takes me 1hr 10mins. Today, with the jogging involved it took me an hour. I'm pretty happy with that. The fun run is 5k - so I am obviously aiming to make that a much shorter time!

Particularly when Bobbi can do it in 24 minutes. And Christine did it in 35. Buggar them... my competitive nature will enjoy beating them hahahaha. First goal - be faster than Christine. She does have a head start on me.. which only make the victory sweeter!

I haven't officially weighed in yet, I'll do it tomorrow I guess... hoping not to have gained weight :) I did weigh myself yesterday I think, and I hadn't gained weight.

Also received the 'Eating Out Guide' for WW propoints today. So I am set.. i guess...

I need some motivation .. :S

I feel blegh

I need to renew my resolve. Haven't been a good girl this week. I've been trying to stick to the points, but I've had pizza and chinese for dinner this week. I've been snacking.

Obviously I know what I should be doing. I can do it. I just haven't been strong enough. How embarrassing. I feel like a failure and those little creepy feelings of giving up are lurking at the corners of my mind.

But I am in control of my destiny.. maybe. I would like to think I am! I have made a huge batch of vegie soup to snack on or detox with. I bought a dvd player  for $10 on ebay so I can Zumba... the exciting thing is now the remote for the old one will turn up. Thats how it usually goes.

I am 1 week into the 3 Months to Summer Challenge.. and I ain't doing so good :s But I'm not going to dwell on it. No I will not.

There are still 11 weeks left to lose 10kgs... :) I can still get to about 95kgs by then. Yes. Yes. YES!

So I am setting myself some goals for this week - and I will feel better this time next week for sticking to them.

1. No junk food. Snacking on fruit and veg only.
2. Start the c25k.
3. ZUMBA ZUMBA ZUMBA!

Guess what? I've just done something proactive... I registed for the PWC Cool Night Classic on the 1st November.

So yeah - something to aim for :)

Feeling better now that I've got my self-pity off my chest.

Meet the Amazing B-Jives

We all have our down moments. And the key to losing wieght is not giving up. I think it's all in the mind - to have that self-discipline to stick to eating healthy foods or going for that walk. To think positive thoughts, not beat yourself up over binges .. but also try and avoid those binges in the first place. Eat more fruit and vegies, even though you don't want to.

Love fruit and vegies. Love exercise.

B-Jives has somehow done all these things... or even, is in the habit of doing these things more often than not - and she has lost a whopping 50+ kgs...!

 I don't know how she has done it - but she has. She had her lightbulb moment and something clicked - and she stuck to it -even though she ended up with a Pepsi- Max addiction.

There is no room for envy here.... just pride. I know how much I have struggled over the years, so I am proud of the fact that she did it. It is soooo hard. It's all in the mind. Walking around everyday is easy. Apparently she cleans. That makes sense, cos her house is in perfect order... and she devotes time to her 3 beautiful daughters - there are so many reasons I wish I was more like her.


She has inspired me to start doing fun runs. I always wanted to run and swim.. and the swimming things is a bit difficult because I tend to go deaf for a while afterwards, no matter what kind of earplugs or swimmers' eardrop I use. Time to invest in a bathing cap! I want to run so I can be around her. Her personality is infectious -

And no she is not perfect - I'm not here to dwell on her secrets... but if I could share one it would be how she stays motivated. I don't know. I'll have to ask her. I'm also wondering if she still thinks like a fat person...

Read Bobbi's advice on weightloss here ...

I have learnt a couple of things from Bobbi  -

 

1. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen ;p 3 years is a long time, but if you keep going, you will be there before you know it

 

2. Incidental exercise is the key - clean that house! Run up and down those stairs!

 

3. Live a little - she drinks Pure Blonde beer, you know.

 

And because this is MY blog, I had to show you - This is B-Jives!

 

Love you Boobi :)

A loss is a loss!

lol That's the spirit!

Another 800g lost - I didn't want to weigh in on sunday after the massive carbicide I committed the night before.... and I weighed myself yesterday and had gained 500g...

But I decided to bite the bullet and do it today.. and my weight is now 103.1 kg.

A loss is a loss.. so keep on swimming !

Fun Runs coming up.....

So there is a night-time fun run on 1 November... that is 2 months away. A Thursday night. Surely there won't be work or uni. Should I? I should put my money where my mouth is! Entry fee $20...

2012 PWC Cool Night Classic






Then there is one on 7 April... a Sunday morning in the city. Entry fee is $65!

Fun Run Pink


And a killer 14km City2South fun-run on 16th June.... this would take a while to train in - being 14km! But it is possible if I was committed... entry is $45 earlybird if you buy before Nov 30. After that it can go up to $70..


City2South

Food Coma

I overate last night, and didn't make good choices today. That's the crux of it.
It was after a bad afternoon, I was tired and cranky and the Moon was full. I have an implanon rod in my arm, so I rarely get my period, but this weekend has been really heavy man. I had Uni both days this weekend for Negotiating in Legal and Commercial Disputes. Intensive mode and the pressure of performance. Questioning myself on reflection.
 
Combined with disappointment over B2B (oh yeah, that stupid thing was today), and worry cos Allan hasn't been able to work this last week due to a cyst being cut out of his face, by the time I got home last night I was a selfish wreck. I intruded on a neighbour and the dog got to her dinner. I snapped at QR officials and then made a dick of myself trying to have my point heard.
 
I ate. A lot. Biscuits, toast, wraps, potato chips.
When I went to bed, I felt sick. When I woke up, I felt full. And I made some bad choices today with food too.
 
Remorseful. I havent weighed in today - I wanna get all the shit out first... ? But I will tomorrow or tuesday either way.
 
On the way to Uni I listened to a song I hadn't heard for a long time. It felt like something celestine, cos my phone was on shuffle. It made me feel a bit better.

I'll be your mirror
Reflect what you are, in case you don't know
I'll be the wind, the rain and the sunset
The light on your door to show that you're home

When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
'Cause I see you

I find it hard to believe you don't know
The beauty that you are
But if you don't let me be your eyes
A hand in your darkness, so you won't be afraid

When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
'Cause I see you

 I'll be your mirror

 

(Velvet Underground)

 

 
And as the great master Dory said

Symply too good to be true?

I bought the Symply Too Good to be True cookbooks years ago, on another health kick. They are quite convincing! Some of the recipes require too much work for my liking; I am no chef.. not even a cook. My greatest invention is the grilled cheese and vegemite sandwich with butter on all sides of the bread and cheese in the middle AND on the top.. oh good times.

I wonder if I will ever stop thinking like a fat person....?

But in the meantime, there are some sympler recipes to make in these books. My favourite is the Chicken Parmagiana - oh universe this is yummy with salad... and its one of the only things I make that look like they do in the book! (Book 5, 8 WW ProPoints per serve)

Today, much to the joy and delight of the kids (and me!) I made the Chocolate slice. Yuuuum. Its so good. And it has Weet-bix in it..not canned prunes and prune juice like the one on the WW website! And, yes, I did spend 11 bonus points on gobbling on this during the day :s (Book 5, 3 ProPoints per serve)

The last one pictured is Berry Dream. I bought all the ingredients to make it about 2 months ago, but we all kept eating the yoghurt before I got around to making it. I think I will give it a go this weekend. (Book 2, 2 ProPoints per serve)

So give them a try! And then go and buy the books. Let me know when you do, so that when Annette Sym and her publishers come after me for copyright royalties (for publishing her recipes on my blog) then I can try and charm them out of it, by emphasising the awesome word of mouth I started. :)

Baby Steps

So I went for a walk today to the other end of my street and back (still took an hour..long street!) for the first time since that vicious Magpie Attack... see Hurt Feelings, below :)

Universe, I have turned into a scaredy cat. I nearly turned back after the first 5 minutes, because I saw a Wagtail on the electricity lines. Wagtails are also black and white, but they aren't evil. I stopped for a sec, my heart racing, crossed the road (even though it doesnt matter) and found a big stick.

Big stick = friend.

But it's hard to carry when you are also holding your phone and a water bottle!

After the reassurance of another walker that there were no Magpies ahead, I discarded the stick... but then picked up another one down the road.. in case the walker didn't go through that way! But it was just fear... nothing happened. Once I made it to the end, I'm pretty sure there would have been a noticeable bounce in my step as I knew there was nothing out there to get me on the way home.

I feel ridiculous though. I can't afford to join the gym again just to avoid magpies! I need to invent a stick. Hahahaha. A stick that easily becomes small enough to fit in your pocket - like a radio antenna lol. Only in Australia.

Feelin' Groovy

I'm happy to report that I have lost 1.4 kgs since my last weigh in :)

Current weight: 103.9 kgs

Just keep swimming...

swimming... swimming ...


I have signed up for the free Weight Watchers online trial - and set the alarm on my phone to remind me to cancel before they charge my card for the next month :)

I'm following the new ProPoints program. I did the normal points one last time, and lost about 9.5kg, down to 95 kilos I think. Then we moved house and I stopped. The weight crept up to 120kgs over the following 18 months. I'll get back down there soon ;)

I have purchsed some WW stuff from ebay - so I'll be able to track the food I eat and watch the weight drop off.. slowly but surely. On the WW there is a 12 week challenge - slim down for summer or something.. so my goal is to lose 10kg by 1 Dec. Anything more is an awesome bonus. I need to motivate myself to stick to it. The B2B thing isn't working out, mainly because I can't do the 5km, and I don't really wanna walk for 2 hours before Uni on the Sunday morning. So I have to force myself to stick to this.

I need to start a mini-goal. I need to increase the incidental exercise and plan stuff with Zeke, like bikerides and other active stuff. I have to admit I'm still scared of magpies. I don't really want to go anywhere new!

And I have a new little mini-tactic - apart from following the PP system, I'm going to blog here to keep myself motivated. I tend to drop off these weight losing schemes sonner or later..

I'll just keep swimming. :) I love Ellen!


I just got Zeke to take my photos... eeeeew. I'm so pudgy. In 12 weeks I want to post this photo again, with a new one taken that day in the same clothes :)


Measurements

(Thinnest part of my) Waist: 99.5 cm

Stomach (taken just below my belly button): 117 cm

Hips: 118.5

Upper Thigh: 75 cm

Above the knee (4cm above the freckle): 55cm

Neck: 42 cm

Upper Arm: 44cm

Weight: 105.3 kg

BMI: 36.4 Obese!

OK, so I'll do the measurements again in a month - 21st September. And I'm done with putting before after pics on here. I don't want to be seen like this.. ironic cos everyone sees me like this everyday!

Not in these clothes by the way, unless I went to the gime.

Last but not least, meet my chin. I want to see a difference here too! No make-up :s

The journey starts with a single step... have a little rest and then keep going!

Hurt feelings

One thing I have decided to do is go off my meds for depression and anxiety. They don't seem to be working anyway. I have to just push through the stress and worry and wallow in the sadness when it comes... acknowledging it and moving on. And on those grey, dark days, I'll just crumple.

Thats ok. Its part of being human.

Getting outside and getting fresh air makes me feel better. I haven't been out to do another 10km since last week, I might give it a go this arvo. I would like to - being cooped up in this little townhouse with restless children makes me want to run screaming. Without them. :)

I did plan on doing it every single day. Last thursday, the day after the 10k practice, Zeke and I went to the same place and rode our bikes - I just had to show him the awesome park with the little roads and stop signs.

But there was trouble brewing. It's great when Spring comes... everything is new and fresh. but if you live in Australia (it does happen in the rest of the country, doesn't it? Not just to us banana benders?) you are well acquainted with the terror that spring brings.....

We ARE two lost souls stuck in a fishbowl, year after year.

Every spring the Australian magpie protects his territory and his birdlings.... by swooping at anyone riding/walking/ crying and bleeding in retreat from their Terror-tory. With the false sense of security from walking through the same spot 6 times the day before I didn't think there would be a problem - despite the signs warning us of magpie season......

Universe, that picture gives me the creeps.

On the way to the park it swooped. It followed. There isn't much more terrifying than walking along a bike path not knowing where or how many or even if they are going to get you. In my haste to get away, I left Zeke to fend for himself. I'm sorry Zeke... but at least I was keeping the Magpie from him. Zeke's pretty good at catching up.

We got to the park without any more swooping. But he followed us. I'm sure of it. Unless it was another one. Zeke and I were on the swings.. Zeke was oblivious.. I was shitting myself. The Maggie calmly bounced closer and closer to the swings, I'm there trying not to make any sudden movements and taking note of a metre long stick nearby. The maggie picks at the ground, watches and ends up flying back up to the tree.....

We rode the long way home, but still had to go past the corner. The bike ride was really good, we were really enjoying it. And then, as we turned to go down the street towards home.. I had that feeling of impending doom. I really did. My eyes were scanning the trees, the electricity lines, the footpath, the road. Couldn't see anything. Couldn't hear anything. I had images in my brain of the magpie swooping. I knew it was going to happen - and it was going to be prolonged - we still had about 100-200m to go.

It got me. No warning apart from my exciting psychic powers. It felt like one of those little sandbags you use instead of shotputs in PE in primary school had hit me on the side of the head.. and a little sting.

There was blood.

I yelped that embarrassing scream and crossed the road. Zeke knew to follow me. He held it together, my brave little man. He's only 4. I'm glad the Magpie was only going for me...


It watched us, from the wires above, as we crossed the road. It swooped and tried again. And again. And again.  I bolted. It would've been hilarious to watch. Again I'm trying to get out of there, panicked, telling Zeke behind me just to keep going - he did - and waited at a spot past the corner while I was being divebombed by a 'gentleman with his hands in his pockets'... (some wierd poetical reference I read while searching for scary pics...)


He followed me up the road - I would turn around and he would be behind me, on the ground...

Watching me. High on his own testosterone. He has a taste for blood - my delicious blood. I was scared of this bloody bird. I was swearing, waving and flailing my arms around, pushing the bike, looking out for Zeke, hoping the Maggie would give up. When I got to the corner I had to stop. I burst into tears. It was so embarrassing, I felt like such a sook. The bleeding had stopped, but my ear was throbbing.

That bird really hurt my feelings.

Its not that ridiculous. I've been swooped a couple of times in my wanderings on this planet - but never divebombed and hit. Never blitzkrieged in the middle of the day by a fucking bird.

So Zeke and I started home. The worst was over, thank Universe. A jogger ran past me and I flinched. Traumatised!

And then there was another one! I looked up - the thing was flying right towards me, screeching. I lost it. Survival mode kicked in. I got up the hill as fast as I could. Poor Zeke. He told me he didn't want me to go outside again. He didn't want me to get attacked by magpies.

I didn't want to go outside. I didn't even want to be the one to pick Monique up. I was a mess. I had crumpled. Defeated. Scared of something I couldn't control.

I guess I realised that day I wasn't immune. Life really is just like the movies.  I remember once, coming home from school, I was walking through a laneway to get home. There were about 5-10 magpies sitting along the fence on each side... watching as I walked past. It felt eerie - and could've been taken out of 'The Birds'...


I hope I never see another magpie again.
But I know I will. And until about November, I'll be the person who keeps flinching and looking towards the trees everytime she leaves the house....

carpe diem

1st one done....

Ok, so I just decided to find out how long it takes me to walk/run/jog/crawl/pay someone to drag me on a piece of cardboard for 10km. This is all in preparation for the unexpected joy of realising I will have to do the 10km run if I want to participate in the Bridge to Brisbane.

It took me 1 hour and 40 mins.

I'm buggared. My lungs are fine, they are happy cos I didnt force myself to jog too much. I would say I probably (or even maybe) jogged a cumulation of 1 km. Maybe. Before I started I had stars in my eyes.. "I'm going to aim to get it under an hour" I tell myself... riiiiiiiight. I did the week 1 c25k program for the first 30 minutes.. and then walked the rest at a brisk pace. I did a little bit of interval training - jogging every so often.

1 hour and 40 minutes isn't bad, I reckon. The only reason I care about time is that I have to be in Southbank for Uni assessment by 9:15 am. I can do this :) maybe even enjoy it :)

I also weighed myself - I'm still 106kgs. Its good to know my body has a happy equilibrium, even if I live like a bit of a dickhead... ;p

I need a signature thingy at the bottom, to track changes... maybe I'll just cut n paste till I figure it out.

Start date: 7/11/2012 @ 120kgs
Weight: 106kgs   Lost so far: 14kgs
Waist: 112.5cm   Lost so far: 7.5cm
10km - 1 hour and 40 mins.

Goal: To get under 100kgs and participate in the B2B 10k.

I will not fail me

So I fell into the depths of despair, and self-annihilated my motivation to be a healthy happy person. I feel stupid and shamed. I didn't want to publish the last post, but I have to acknowledge those sad, angry feelings and move on.

So I entered the Bridge to Brisbane fun run. Crazy, I know.

And I'm full of ideas and plans and excitement about devoting the next 6 weeks to preparing for the fun run - eating well, doing the c25k program... I bought a new sports bra for my boobies...

Uni starts tomorrow.. I was looking at my schedule. There is a timetable clash! I didn't want to believe it at first. The 5km starts at 9:40 am - but I have day 3 of my intensive negotiation class...! Soooooooo disappointed.

But the 10km starts at 6 am. Surely 3 hours is long enough to walk/jog/crawl 10kms, end up in the city, shower at Southbank and be at Uni by 9? It sounds like enough time, but yeah.

fuck it
Im gonna do it

So I am going to find out how to change my ticket to the 10km. I don't want to lose money :) And it was giving me something to aim for. I'm sick of trying to get under 100kg... (I will do this too) but maybe aiming to lose numbers isn't enough for me. I am shifting the focus to doing something - participating in the fun run. Only now, I've upped the odds - to do something totally out of my league and make it to class by 9...  might as well go the whole Hog.. do the full Monty... why do something half-assed?

We'll see. This will be an interesting journey :)

One of these days I will introduce you to B-Jives...  but for now, I'll just add that I borrowed her measuring tape. I'm glad I did...

7 Nov 2011 - I was 120kgs and 120cm around my waist.
14 Jul 2012 - I was 106kgs and 112.5 cm around my waist.

So despite all the ups and downs... I'm still at 14kgs lost. I feel better now. Some people only want to lose 14kgs... I'm still in the running to be a happy and healthy person :)

Help me, I'm in Hell

Ok, so maybe the use of a title of  NIN song is a bit dramatic.
But I feel disgusting.

I need some public humiliation. Or maybe just vegetables.

I have been very cruel to my body for the last two days. And now I feel sick, sad, depressed, tired, cranky, ugly, fat, stupid, embarrassed. My house feels messy (even though its not more than usual) and I have a toothache.

I feel like a failure. I want to go back to bed. Wallow in my self pity. Maybe even masturbate. Isn't that supposed to make you feel better?

I'm on a rollercoaster. Only a few days ago I was feeling great. Positive. I need to find that me again. Go for a walk? I don't want to.

I ate so much. My stomach feels bloated. Just thinking about what I ate makes me feel sick. And yet, at the back of my mind, I am reminded that I still have half a block of hazelnut chocolate left in the cupboard... and there is an unopened bottle of ice magic and heaps of ice cream left.

Why? Why am I like this and how do I stop?

Two nights ago, before this eating merry-go-round started, I sat there on this very laptop, telling myself - its just the munchies.. its just the munchies... I was sucking on a diet lolly. And then I got up and ate 2 handfuls of mixed unsalted nuts. Then I made 4 submarine pizzas... at 10pm at night! I should've gone to bed. Why didn't I go to bed? After the pizzas, I had a bowl of ice cream and ice magic.

Yesterday I woke up feeling yuck.. and telling myself I wouldn't do the same again. But I did. I ate pretty well during the day... but then I had the great idea of getting Pizza for dinner. All that junk is just a waste of money.

There were jam drops. There were kingstons. I didnt even finish the hazelnut choc. Or get onto the Ice Magic.

I'm over it now. I wish I could say it wasn't going to happen again tonight. The important thing is that IT DOESNT HAVE TO.

I'm even too ashamed to post this. Even without mentioning the masturbation. But I will. Post this, I mean. Redemption through public humiliation.

Oh the exposure.

Breathing heavy

Today has been another good day, I'm sitting here feeling positive and motivated.

I love this feeling. Won't you stay with me, just a little lonnger?

I've eaten well today, walked to Zeke's kindy and back twice, and went for a bike ride by myself to a park. My bike has no gears, but I love it. Having no gears makes it harder to pedal, that must be a good thing :) I love the colour, and the basket. And the handle bars. And the seat. Is it strange to love a seat? Have you ever sat on your bike while the seat is warmed by the sun?

Its a strangely happy feeling ;p

Tomorrow morning there is a free Zumba class at the school. Now I have given up my membership to the gime, I am taking advantage of free stuff :)

And in the afternoon, after Allan gets home, it will be day 2 of C25K. I'll have to work on the bra situation though ;p

the first cut is the deepest

Baby I know

Today is going well so far - I've stuck to the meal plan, only on my second coffee and I will try not to have another one for the rest of the day.

I'm listening to records, about to do some housework - this place is a mess. One of the most awesome and inspiring people I know  (I don't know many, so it's not hard) cleans as a way of keeping active. I need to stop telling myself I'm lazy - that I don't want to do it.  Get rid of those self-defeating thoughts!

Which gets me thinking - weight loss is all in the mind - you have to overcome habits, you have to maintain your motivation and inspiration.  For years, I've wanted to try meditation - can you imagine inner stillness? Peace AND quiet? So I have been looking on the internet for positive affirmations and meditation stuff. Where do I start?  The obvious answer is sit still, in a quiet plac,e and empty the mind. Firstly, quiet place? There is no such thing. Empty the mind? It may take a while.

But you gotta start somewhere :) I keep planning on doing this, but when I get the chance to do it, there is other stuff to do.

......

So Allan's Mum pops in. I hadn't started the housework yet, and was just writing the above post. Oh great, I thought, and the place is a mess. My mother-in-law has never seen our house clean. Its never clean long enough.

So there is the third cup of coffee with a dose of shame.

I gotta clean this house everyday. If I do it for an hour every morning, then one day, there wont be as much to do.... one day.


.....

This afternoon I was feeling restless... I decided to pull my finger out and start the c25k today. I wore 2 bras and 2 tight tshirts - to bind my boobies ... they still had their own swagger.. but they were supported :) Gotta get a better bra.

I'm so unfit. But that's ok. I'll get there. I will. I just have to remember to keep on going. keep going.

like Dory... keep on swimming...

Before I left I weighed myself. 106kg. My heart dropped. I got as low as 102kg a month or so ago... yeah its winter. yeah i ate badly. Im just sick of putting on weight. It feels shitty. it feels like nothing you do works. You are tired of trying.

15/7/12 @ 106 kgs

I have to push past that.

Here is a picture of me today, bound before jogging.

I look special - but thats cos I am :)

The title of this photo should be "Camel toe or Moose knuckle?" Im trying to get these photos to sync, and be next to each other.. but they repel each other as much as they repel me.

15/7/12 @ 106kgs

Tomorrow is a new day :)

I will show you what can happen in a year!

2/1/12 @ 115kgs

Right - this is it. Im SO sick of feeling like shit. Im SO sick of planning to do something about it. Doing a little bit about it. Then giving up and deciding to fuck it instead.

30/6/12

Inpsiration and Motivation is the hardest part. Maybe. I hate the stupid planning. I hate the reminding myself, "No, I won't east this cos I want to lose weight."

This blog itself is testament to my staying power, my willpower to continue with something. I started it 18 months or so ago, full of big ideas and plans... it didnt work out.

But I'm not a quitter. 12 years at Uni and a $64000 HECS (now renamed HELP) debt is proof of that.



5/4/10 @ 103 kgs

I seem to be on the internet alot. In fact, I go on facebook first thing every morning as I drink my coffee.  And its the morning that shapes the day. So I need something inspiring to look at. So this blog will be my inspiration board.

5/7/12

Well that's the plan.

But first, the confessional. Here are some yucky pics of me - they make me feel sad. I dont want to be that fatty anymore

Nov 2011 @ 120kgs

For the first time ever, I have created my own menu plan and shopping list for the week - by using those Symply Too Good to be True books - book 5 to be exact.  I'll do the actual shopping tomorrow.

And for exercise, I am going to throw myself in c25k. I could start tomorrow. I've been putting it off because of my boobies. But I'll wear 2 bras... and a singlet.. under a tshirt :)

I can do this. I can do this. I CAN DO THIS.

My GOALS: 1. To be under 100kgs
2. To participate in the Bridge to Brisbane on 2 Sep, the 5k run.

Thats it.
Now to find some inspiration.